My story so far, and IA I will beat my Nafs

Salam, everyone. My brothers and my sisters. I hope you are doing well and may you all always stay happy and healthy and safe. Ameen.

I am 24 years old now. I am here on this sub Reddit Muslim no fap for almost 4 years maybe. Sometimes I use it and it’s so helpful and beneficial. And sometimes when I am deep in my sins Astugfriullah. I forget about all the help sources and light sources.

I did 45 days long streaks and twice 30 days. And a lot of 15 days. But I am feeling so horrible to tell that I have tink for almost 4-5 months I haven’t scored 7 + days. I am falling into loop of twice a week and again in that loop. I talk with a lot of non maharams and it’s makes my heart so dark so rock dark. I now don’t feel peace in my prayer but I feel peace while praying to Allah.

I feel broken sad, humiliated by myself. I even hate myself a lot. But I am resilient, God make me like that. I want to stop this addictive behaviour. I want to get so close to God Almighty. I feel so sad and regret on myself about what I become now. Like I betrayed myself my dignity. These behaviours attack self respect the most.

Well now In Sha Allah, I will not let myself and anyone to drag my to this hell of suffering. This hell of disgusting things. I want to be successful in this life and here after Ameen. May Allah forgive my all sins. My major my minors my hidden sins. May Allah mercy on me. And forgive me Ya Allah.

Day #1