I am a terrible person

A few months ago, I got blackout drunk at a bar that I regularly went to, to the point where I said “black piece of shit” to the African American bouncer and then “white piece of shit” to a Caucasian customer. I have felt so guilty since that night, because I genuinely do not believe I am a racist person at all. I was completely blackout drunk. That is not an excuse, but I do not know what came over me that night, and I still feel really guilty to this day. I even brought cookies to the bar the next day because I felt so bad about it. I did not even know I said those things until I went in, and I truly believe I have reflected a lot since then. The bouncer did not forgive me, and she does not need to, because what I said was truly awful. I tried to quit drinking but was not successful. I have not quit, but I have learned to control my limits so I do not hurt anyone anymore. I am so sorry for that night, and I am person who doesn’t hate. Since then, I refuse to drink to the point where I could say something that hurts people, because that is not who I am as a person, and I don’t want to be that person. I hate racism, and I am against anything racist. Since that night, I have learned to forgive myself and have deeply reflected. However, I went to a different bar tonight and that same bouncer was there. Her friend tripped me multiple times. I know I deserved it, because she was trying to stick up for her friend. I didn’t know why she tripped me, until I noticed the bouncer. I tried to pay her tab, but she refused, and I do not blame her. I said something racist to her, and she was deeply affected by it. I tried to apologize to her again and told her that I was so sorry, because what I said was not who I am. She refused to accept my apology. I know she does not need to forgive me, because I said something truly awful to her. But seeing her again reopened a part of the past that I have felt terrible about and tried to move on from. When she refused to accept the apology, I started to wonder if I can ever truly forgive myself, because I feel like I was a terrible person for saying that, and I want to learn how to forgive myself.