I have rape fantasies and I'm ashamed.

This happened a few years ago when I had just started high-school 9th grade, I was 14. I met him at school, he was about the same age as me maybe 15. I thought he was my friend and just liked me. Before any of this went down he complimented me and never gave off any weird vibes, i mean maybe he did but i just ignored them or just didn't realize, but I truly thought a boy liked me. I remember one day after I got off the bus for school he asked if I wanted to come over, I originally said no because I just really wasn't interested. Later that day I got into a really bad fight with my dad. I had missed a lot of school or something and he was really mad at me, he took my phone and ended up leaving for a few hours. I was really mad so I grabbed and extra phone I had and texted that guy from school seeing if he still wanted to hang out. I still have no idea why I did this, maybe because I was just so upset at the time. I remember showing up to his place and me and him talking on the stairs. He asked me if I ever sucked dick before which I said no because at the time i was still a virgin. He told me to close my eyes which i don't know why but I did, I just remember him forcefully push my mouth onto his dick. I turned my head and tried to push him away but he just kept saying it's okay. I was going to leave when he pushed me onto the steps and pulled my pants down. I just froze, I didn't know what to do. I just sat there. I pushed on him but it felt like I wasn't even using any body strength. I felt so weak. I just remember him finishing and then buttoning his pants. I was visibly upset and then he told me not to tell anyone what happened. I went home so confused. It took me almost 2 years after for me to realize I was raped. I was pushed the thought out of me head. I always thought it was my fault. I've never told anyone. Before that I had never done anything remotely related to sex. After the entire thing happened I just remembered wanting to be more sexual. I started sending nudes, having sex, threesomes etc. It's been years now and the guilt and disgust still eats me alive. I feel so disgusting. I feel loved when I'm having sex but if not I'm worthless.