Boyfriend threatened to overdose on pills

On a throwaway account rn, I promise I’m not a bot. But anyways, a few days ago my bf of 5 months threatened to overdose on pills. I am 23f and 117 pounds at 5’3”, while he is 23m, 154lbs at 6’3” (he makes a living being a registered professional athlete). I’m mentioning this because I grabbed the pill bottle and hugged it as close to my chest as I could so he wouldn’t have access to it, but he is so much stronger than me and could easily physically overpower me. He kept trying to grab it from my hands, and of course would never hurt me or lay a finger on me, but it was extremely difficult.

I was seriously holding on for dear life to the point where I think I did accidentally hurt him, because afterwards, the skin on his leg right by his knee was bruised and throbbing. I felt so terrible. I also would never ever ever want to ever hurt him in any way, but in that moment, my mind was so set on making sure he wouldn’t be able to grab those pills out of my hands that I didn’t notice anything else. Because if he got that bottle, it would be it.

Eventually the cap fell off and all the pills fell out. This made both of us pause for a second, then I scrambled to collect them all, and he told me to not bother and to just put them back in. I didn’t trust him. I kept everything I picked up in my own pocket. He at this point wasn’t trying to take any of the pills, just shamefully putting everything he could back.

I know this was probably the wrong way to go about it, but I was in total fight or flight mode. I myself have pretty bad depression and have tried to kill myself once or twice a few years ago, so I do understand how my actions in this particular moment were the opposite of reassuring and supportive. But I was shaken up. We actually have been having some relationship troubles and at this point he wanted to drive me home. I didn’t want to refuse, but I was clearly hesitant and didn’t trust him. So I did pretty much threaten to call his mom, or at least a wellness check or his neighbor, and he physically ripped the phone out of my hands and held me down (gently, he did not hurt me at all).

I told him I was doing it because there is no way I’m leaving him to be on his own after a suicide attempt. Even if he didn’t want to be around me specifically, and even if my action of calling someone else made him hate me, I’d rather have him safe and upset or resentful than dead. He told me he promised he wouldn’t do anything. And if I did call someone else and he was admitted to a facility, he would be disqualified from his sports team. He begged me, saying it was all he had left, he can’t lose that. So I finally agreed and respected those boundaries, but told him I didn’t feel comfortable leaving his apartment that night. I can’t force myself to stay against his will, but I asked to stay even if we’re in separate rooms. He said it was okay.

This happened a few days ago. We spent the weekend together. Then today he went to work while I was at my own place working on my portfolio. In the evening, he found out some really bad news. He picked me up and was going through it. I was trying to comfort him, but giving advice was the wrong route to go, because he told me he didn’t want my input and that I was being stubborn by insisting I could find a solution. I agreed and apologized. Then told him I was so sorry this was happening, he deserves so much better. Then he said he didn’t want my pity and fake words of encouragement. Then I just apologized again and tried to hug him and he still wasn’t having it. I asked what kind of comfort and support would make him feel most heard and comfortable right now, and he got annoyed at me, because I should very much already know at this point. Looking back, I should have just said I’m here for him if he needs anything and it’s all gonna be okay.

He got out of the parked car and literally went into the fetal position on the ground while crying. I tried to comfort him and encourage him to get up so we could go inside and I could get him a blanket and make some coffee for him. He wasn’t having it. Not upset at me or anything, he was just crying a lot and obviously not in a mental headspace to talk.

Once he was done and got up, he told me he should have taken those pills the other day. At this point I was like NO. And said he can make any choice in life that he wants but I am NOT letting him do this. When we went inside, he was laying on the couch crying. I asked if he was mentally taking it out on himself and reassured him that he did nothing wrong, and though it is easier said than done, to not be too hard on himself and place blame. He snapped at me and said he’s “not some suicidal c*nt” and that just because he made that comment about the pills doesn’t mean he was actually gonna do it. And that instead of comforting him when he was down, I made him feel worse and acted like I don’t see him as a strong person. He told me he was physically reacting by crying but was already trying to think of solutions to the problems he was facing and for me to not talk. Also told me I always manage to ruin things, make things worse, and make it about myself even when the situation is unrelated to us as a couple. I apologized for reacting selfishly and not comforting him in the ways that were right for him.

I’m still worried. He doesn’t want to reach out for help and says he’s not suicidal. But the pill incident from a few days ago really scared me. I don’t know what to do