I am so scared while waiting for the Bar Exam Results

I am so fckkng scared while waiting for the bar exam results this January 7. I feel lost most of the time. I do not know what to do with myself anymore.

Naiiyak nalang ako at random moments. Sometimes it happens suddenly. Naalala ko kasi yung trauma nung review. I don’t think kaya kong ulitin na mag review ulit if i fail.

I often have nightmares. I wake up thinking I am back in the exam room. Kahit gising na ako, dala ko pa rin yung takot.

My family members are quiet about it, but I feel their expectations. They do not say it directly, but I know they want me to pass. Natatakot ako na baka madisappoint ko sila. That thought hurts me every day. Sobrang laki na kasi nang nagastos ng pamilya ko for this.

When people say the bar was easy, it does not help at all. It makes me feel worse. If it was easy, why am I this scared. Also, I am so scared on the idea that if many people pass and I do not, people will say bad things about me. I am scared of the negative comments and the silent judgment. I do not think I am strong enough to face that.

Every day feels so long. Parang hindi gumagalaw ang oras. I just want this feeling to stop.

People tell me to distract myself. To go out. To do things to clear my mind.

I try sometimes, but the fear stays. Kahit anong gawin ko, andon pa rin siya.

I just want to be honest about how I feel. Hindi ako okay. Pagod na pagod na ako. Natatakot na ako. I feel alone even when I am surrounded by people.

Tapos naman na sana yung exam, but why is the waiting period so much worse?