Struggling to decide how to move forward after reconnecting with my ex (26M/25F)?

I (25M) need advice about someone I can’t seem to fully move on from. I’ll call her Raha.

I met Raha in college. She was my best friend for about two years. We had strong emotional chemistry, similar upbringings, and were very honest with each other. Back then, I was insecure and had low self-confidence. I always felt like she was out of my league.

In 2020 during lockdown, I confessed my feelings to her. She said she felt the same. At that time, she was doing her MBA and I had just graduated — broke, confused, and emotional. I moved to another city in our state just to be closer to her and hopefully meet her. She kept saying she couldn’t meet because of COVID. After a month, she ended things. We never got physical. What hurt was that shortly after, I saw her on social media hanging out with her friends.

After the breakup, I spiraled badly. I went into depression, made terrible financial decisions, lost friends, and went into debt. For about two years, I isolated myself completely. I even had suicidal thoughts and one attempt because I felt like a failure in life and love. I stopped talking to everyone to try to heal.

By early 2025, I had finally stabilized. I got healthier, fixed my finances, and rebuilt myself. Then she suddenly contacted me again. The chemistry came back instantly. I was still a virgin at this point, and she had already had multiple relationships. I tried to stay open minded and set boundaries. We were very different people by then — almost opposite in interests. I also lied about my past(I was still a virgin at that point) and said I’d had relationships because I felt embarrassed.

Things were good initially, but around mid-2025 everything changed. She started blaming me for everything going wrong in her life. She compared me to her exes and said I was worse than them. But when we were drinking or smoking, she’d suddenly be affectionate and make me feel like a king. The emotional whiplash got too much, so in August 2025 I broke up with her.

She begged me for around 1.5 months to stay. She admitted her mistakes and said she truly wanted to change. She swallowed her ego and fought for the relationship. I still had feelings but chose peace and walked away. During those months with her, my routine and health got badly affected — she liked talking till 5AM while I’m someone who wakes up at 5AM for work.

Now it’s December 2025. My grandmother recently passed away — she was the most important person in my life. Raha called me immediately and comforted me. She knew my grandmother and knows how much she meant to me. She has this way of making me feel like I’m the only person in the world when she talks to me.

Now I’m confused. Maybe I was wrong in breaking up with her. Maybe I should give her another chance.