how do i know this is IT

i’m 20, a junior in college. i grew up in the south, as well as in the church. at least half of my family is conservative, transphobic, the whole nine yards. i’ve been questioning whether i’m a guy for the last 4 or so years.

i’ve cycled through quite literally everything at this point. bi, lesbian, non binary, genderfluid, queer, i could keep going. i changed my name within my social circle in 2022, changed my pronouns, cut my hair, and then regressed for a guy i’d started dating.

but since then i’ve cycled through every label ever because cishet has never felt like me. my name has never felt like me. if i can see my chest in an outfit i want to hide in a corner, i’ve always longed to be ‘one of the guys’ in social situations, i’ve always wished i could shop for men’s clothes and have them fit how i wanted. my body has never felt right. nothing has ever felt right.

i feel like i’ve been playing pretend for 20 years. i KNOW 100% that i want top surgery. i know i lowkey hate being grouped with or categorized as ‘woman’ when at work, classes, anything where boys vs girls comes up. i KNOW that if my family weren’t in the picture or if i could go back and choose how i was born, that female wouldn’t be me. but i still doubt. i don’t know how to KNOW that this is really it. i feel guilty, i feel like i’d come off as an attention seeker or something from those around me, i feel like it would isolate me entirely. the list goes on. how do i know if this is IT.