I don't know to even begin to accept myself.

I don't even know if this qualifies as internalized transphobia or whatever but I'm going to share. Also, don't know if this was NSFW but marked it just to be sure.

The past 4 years I've been in this state where I to a point acknowledge that I'm a guy but I cant fully bring myself to accept it. There is not a singular way that I will ever be able to view myself as a man until I start looking like one. I've tried to but I can't. I've cried hours and hours and hours over this because I don't know what to do with my life.

I will never be able to see myself as a man because I would need to medically transition first and if I did that my entire life would change. My dad's my best friend and he wouldn't get it. I would lose him, my siblings would think I'm weird, my mother would have a hard time talking to me, my step mom and all her kids are Mormon and would fucking hate my guts. I also would never be able to let myself medically transition because I know if I did it and didn't look like a cis man then my dad would be ashamed to be my father.

I get sad every time I see or think about gay men because I know I will never be that. I can't get a partner or have sex because I'm only interested in men and I don't want to be dating a man who thinks he's dating a girl. I can't even imagine having sex with a guy who doesn't look at me and see a man. Like I feel sick thinking about having heterosexual sex. The thought of me having a vagina while doing anything remotely sexual makes me feel disgusted. I don't want to ever be in a relationship where my boyfriend can look at me and know I'm trans. I would only want him to be able to know because I told him.

All my friends know I'm a guy, I know I'm a guy to some extent. I haven't been in a relationship in four years since I discovered this because I can't stand being looked at like a woman. I feel so god damn lonely because all I want is love. I want to be a parent and I don't know how that will ever happen.

Anyways, this was probably insanely offensive so I'm sorry.