i dont know how to accept my lost childhood

all my childhood i was walking on eggshells around everyone. i was the ultimate people pleaser. always quiet about what bothered me. never complained. i was such an energetic and creative, hopeful kid. but my home life was terrible, everyone fought and berated eachother, yelled, and sometimes even got physical. just half a year ago i remembered that i was raped as a child too. by my dad. i have not been able to recover from it at all and every day i have horrible flashbacks and im just on edge all the time. i feel like peeling my skin off. even as a child i mourned my childhood because i knew this is all i would get. every time i look at a childs drawing or see children playing tears come to my eyes. and i CANT accept it. i just keep thinking that maybe i deserved it. my whole life i displayed neurodivergent traits i was easy to manipulate and use, so maybe that is just what shouldve happened to me. idk how to connect with that child part of myself because i feel like she has always been dead.