Message I sent to my I-don’t know-what. Predictions for how couples therapy will go in 2 days?

Twenty six year in a relationship with you, nineteen years spent living together.

I devoted my life to you and our family.

I took repeated leaps of faith because I believe in love. I believe it is the greatest power in the world. I believe it is what gives life meaning.

I did everything I could, I pushed myself harder than I ever have before. When I couldn’t go any further, I willed myself to continue, on and on.

I gave my body, risked my health and life, repeatedly, I was steadfast and faithful to you.

I required little, your joy and our family’s comfort was my greatest reward.

A switch flipped these past few weeks with the juxtaposition of our illnesses and how each of us handled that time.

I did everything I could to take care of you and make you comfortable when you were ill.

When my turn came to need your help, I got very little in return. I was shocked. I was miserably ill, I had constant palpitations and I felt alone and scared. I had to take care of the kids, home and pet. You were physically present in the house but there was no partner to lighten my load and show me care. I made my own chicken soup.

I have begged in the past, repeatedly, for strong support from you when I feel at my most vulnerable.

One day when I was at my sickest, I misheard you asking me how I was feeling, you were actually asking me about our kid who was also sick, I told you how miserable I was. You were not there when I most needed you. I felt I couldn’t talk to you to share my pain because these conversations between us invariably end up badly. I have no more energy to ask for what I need.

A switch flipped in me, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My heart is numb, it is a wilted flower. I have no more left to give to you, I am empty. I am broken.

I don’t deserve this.