i don’t know what to do anymore

i come from an abusive background so i’ve always struggled with anxiety. its sprinkled all over my NHS notes. i’ve always felt like i can manage it, to the point that others and myself forget i even have it.

however, lately ive felt like i cannot do ANYTHING. i cant keep my space tidy, cant manage my cats behaviour, cant go to work full time, cant go into uni ONE DAY A WEEK, cant eat, cant sleep. ive been suffering with such bad insomnia that ive started taking cbd oil. idk if it works or its placebo.

i feel like my whole life is wrapped up around what i cant do. on days when i cant go to work or uni, i lay in bed for 4-5 hours before i find the courage to start my day. then i eat a packet of crisps for breakfast (ridiculous) and spend hours on the sofa scrolling my phone (also ridiculous). i feel like im out of my body watching my dysfunction.

ive reached out to the nhs and it has been useless. ive reached out to my uni counsellors service but i haven’t been placed yet. it feels like all these mental health professionals are so wrapped up in their workloads that they forget youre an actual human being with problems. im trying to manage it by myself but idk what to do.

sorry its a long one, ive just been holding it all in for a long time