Sick Of Being Sick

I try to stay cheerful and motivated because I feel like I have very little to complain about. My life is honestly in a good place right now. I've got a job I'm enthusiastic about, I've got great friends who I just hung out with today, a family who cares about and encourages me, I'm financially stable - for the most part, I'm happy.

That still doesn't stop me being disabled. That doesn't stop nights like tonight from happening, nights when I'm barely able to stand up shaking holding on to hand rails to and from the bathroom, over and over, wondering if this is going to result in another hospital stay. I've always been frail and sick ever since I was a kid. My dad understands, he was the same way at that age, but it didn't stop me from always watching other boys from the sidelines and feeling so lonely that I couldn't run fast or throw a ball or roughhouse the way they could. It doesn't stop those feelings of loneliness now. Worse, my dad grew out of it, and I didn't. I really thought I would, but it didn't happen.

I know I have support, but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not good enough to deserve it, or worse, selfish for needing it. That because I'm so sick, everything has to revolve around me and my schedule. That I can't do a lot of typical guy stuff, or other guys have to treat me different. Like I'll break. I wish I could just pick myself up, push through the pain, and deal with it.

Thanks for listening. Hang in there bros.