Shutting them out

"You better stop that shit, it's never worked out before, why would it now?

"You ugly little shit, you really think anyone would want anything out of you other than money?"

"People have never liked you, they just tolerate you. You know this. Stop putting yourself around people that don't even want you around. You're a weird little asshole"

"Do you really want to do this for another 30 years?"

"They don't like you, they PITY you. Have some self respect"

"You're BETTER alone. So stop trying to not be"

"Shut them all out, you're all you got in your life"

These are some of the things the voice in my head tells me on a daily basis.

I used to think those were me talking to myself. They're my thoughts so they must be right?

Wrong.

The voice wasI created through my childhood to keep me safe from being hurt. I had no safe zone. The comments never ended. From school, from home. I felt so unlovable and alone. I needed someone to keep me away from that. Because I DID love myself. I had hope. So I created My own personal drill Sergeant.

And It worked...until it didn't. Eventually I started believing I was unlovable and hard to look at. I felt like a participation trophy no one wanted and only accepted because it's better than nothing. It's because you're fat, ugly, stupid. Id hear it at Work, home, in my head, I heard it everywhere.

The drill Sergeant can't fix ugly and weird, but he can keep me away from those situations. And he did.

He'd tell me what to do, and I'd listen. I convinced myself that he was me.

Ghosting people has been my biggest defense mechanism along with isolation.

The voice would tell me it was the safest choice. I knew what was out there, it was always the same situation in a different room with different people.

But now I'm tired of it. I'll hear him, but I won't listen to him anymore. I'm evicting him out of my thoughts. You're not me, And you're WRONG.

I'm kind, loving, curious. I am human. Life is short, and I want to experience all of it.