I have severe childhood amnesia

I have been through it all: Sexual Physical Verbal Emotional Bullying Death Neglect All of that shit my whole life. My childhood was highly traumatic to the point I started fantasizing about hurting myself when I was around 6. I started cutting at 9.

But for the life of me I can barely remember ANYTHING before age 13 and even then I have difficulties with my memories after that. It could be from my heavy drug use at 14-16 as well, but I’m sober now and generally I’ve been having memory problems before substance abuse. I really hate this. I constantly dissociate. I wanna remember my childhood and know who I was. I wanna know what happened to me.

A psychologist said it was far more than just regular childhood amnesia, I literally can barely remember cohesive events and all that. Ages confuse me. I don’t understand the difference between infants and toddlers. I don’t understand how a normal 12 year old acts. I don’t understand anything about age at all because I grew up too fast.

I just wanna remember my childhood, man..