Epilogue

Flair: [Friends]

I know now what you felt shimmering through my all-well and all-fines, and why you thought your gut feeling's betrayed you or played tricks on you.... well, maybe it didn't. I mean it is true that I AM fine by now. But something might have lingered between the lines, something that sometimes still spirals in my head instead of full circle peace, as you call it. And it wasn't the silence. You didn't believe me but that was never the problem. It was something else.

I kept it from you, partly because I wasn't aware myself, partly because there's no use in saying it, I felt, (very match-to-a-flame-energy towards your avoidant tendencies so I always tamed myself, plus that's just who I am).

But somehow it keeps resonating and I feel strongly that I, for once, forgive me already please; want to yell it to the void nevertheless: That parts of me do feel resentment. Towards you. And how it all went down. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I could never tell you and pent it all up but maybe it's time that I take the chance of being childish and immature and scream my pain at you. Bear with me if you can. Ok.

I can't help it. l feel imprisoned in my role of the spurned one every time you apologize and say sorry. I really detest it. I feel so damn humiliated in being the victim, despite I know it's probably true that I'm the one that shed the most blood. But it feels unequal. And I hate that. Because I still feel it is not true. I swept you right off your feet and vice versa. And you were right in not pursuing it, but so damn wrong in not admitting it, you bloody coward. Yes dammit.

I wish you would have admitted that it goddamn hurt you too. I mean you kinda did but... I don't know... that you meant all the things you said that I'm so special, and that I was, what you know I was, (and what you told me I was) but couldn't be explored further for good reasons. (That fact is obviously fine. Is why I truly AM fine by now. I'm fine with the silence, I'm through the pain, my life is better than ever, I'm through.)

But that. That would have been MY full circle.

That would have been what I really needed to heal, and to fully feel warm and fluffy about you, if ever again, and not have that pavlovian pain hit me every time you check in with that I've-hurt-her-feelings-in-not-feeling-the-same-and-now-I-feel-so-obligated-way.

You said "I don't know [Name], I know that you meant it, mean it in a way." – I don't get this. What do you mean? Of course I mean it. I mean all of it. It's the most natural thing for me that after such a ride, I obviously feel saudade every now and then and "mourn the unlived life" of what could have been. (However that would have played out.) And that I can admit it, and it's not even such big a deal. It's human. Know what I mean? And I realized it bugs me more than I want to admit that you... can't.

I would have needed to know: That I wasn't replaceable and just one of these shenanigans you call them by now. That I wasn't just a confusion, a trick of the light, an illusion of brain chemistry through a bloody screen. That you DO sometimes mourn and feel saudade because the unlived experience we could've had but it obviously couldn't have been. That, at some point, you DID think it through and realized: it can never be.

Ok. Now you can roll the fucking armor back up or the blinds down or what-tf-do-I-know what's going on with you when I trigger you that badly. But that was it.

Beyond (within) all the love I have for you, and how good I root for you, which is still there, and was all true exactly how I said it and will never go away because because... But within all that swings a string with a bittersweet ring of resentment to it, despite I know how you are wired. Not because you didn't feel the same, but because I think it wasn't the whole truth. I'm so sorry.

🤍 Me

PS. Fun fact: This all wouldn't have come up if one thing didn't happen: a chupa chupp advertisement on Reddit. Right after our most recent chat. Right after closing the chat. You have no fucking idea what that bloody coronation thing did to me back then. Holy. fucking. hell. And there I was wondering. The how maniest fraction of your Reddit journey to come through as a cleansed man am I really? Is he occasionally chatting up all his contacts to make sure here and there that there's no bad blood, all good, sleep well, be fine? I know it isn't so, that you didn't say very nice things to me. But just never the full truth I feel. And it may be a nuance. But it does make all the difference for me, not according to how I feel about you, but that I could ever achieve a feeling "full circle" myself. Just for me. That I could trust my guts that I haven't imagined things.

So. To be clear. You owe me nothing. And that you never ghosted me back then, probably saved my life more than you'll ever know. So honestly: we're fine like that. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, it doesn't matter anymore. This is unsent for reason, because I think it does more harm than good. I know you gave me everything you could. And I want to thank you for that. You are a true friend, exactly the way you are. I wish you well. We're good. 🤍🖤