I didn’t binge eat today.

It feels like a huge accomplishment. Even though I didn’t really eat the most healthy stuff; I ate a home cooked meal. My husband and I have been eating outside food for like 2 months now. I did cook like twice a week at first, but for the past month; literally almost every single day has been outside food. Nonstop eating too because I just can’t control myself. I probably would eat 5k calories in a day.

I was dieting and doing well for August-early October. I lost 17lbs total, and now i’m back my starting weight. I feel like shit about myself and that’s a huge reason why I would keep binging. My mind had convinced me that I’m cooked even if I do lose the weight. I’ll never look the way I want to. And that’s true. But I can look better, and I know that. I just always say tomorrow, it’s been a million tomorrows and I’m gaining the weight back.

I’m at a stay at home wife, no kids. If I really wanted to, I could lose all the weight in under 6 months. I just get so depressed and my days go by quick. I only keep the house clean and cook (rarely these days). When I was on my diet, I was miserable. I did restrict myself. Because I have no control. I have an addiction to food. Even if I’m full, I will keep eating. I’ll keep eating until my stomach feels hard and it hurts to sit or stand or just exist.

All I think about is food. I love eating. My honeymoon is next month and all I’m thinking about is all the food I’m gonna have. I’m not even thinking of swimming, tanning, having fun with my husband, etc. I’m thinking about what food I wanna have. I’m even thinking about my next meal and it’s 5am. I’m thinking about the delicious cake I’m baking for my husband’s birthday this week.

I’ve lost weight in the past before, it took a lot of self hatred to do it. Then I had my first relationship and that ended terribly, I ended up eating all of it back onto my body. Then I met my husband and gained even more weight because we both love to eat.

All I want is to lose 5lbs these next few weeks so that by the time my honeymoon is here, I can eat back those 5lbs without feeling too much shame.