Ive had problems for so long, that I dont even know what feels "bad" anymore.

I suspect I have multiple disorders and have been experiencing them for 15 years—basically most of my entire life. I have six probable disorders, four of which I still need to be properly diagnosed for. I fit their DSM-5 criteria, but I haven't told my psychiatrist yet.

Honestly, the best days of my life are when I'm not feeling anything and not thinking anything. When I'm neither sad nor happy. I just get to live life, think how I want, and feel what I want. That, to me, feels like paradise.

It's only recently that I've realized that what others call "bad" is just normal for me; it's my baseline. I don’t even know what a genuine positive emotion is supposed to be, because my normal is so cluttered with distress that just feeling ‘neutral’ feels like paradise. This goes on all day, every day, for weeks, months, years straight. I am never well.

It's easier for me to count the times I was happy than the times I was sad. The only memories I can easily recall are when I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, having one, or in the middle of an episode.

Heck, I didn't even know that my chronic headaches and the severe body aches I got after sleeping were caused by my mental health problems. I just thought it was normal, that I was just frail like that. It never occurred to me that they were part of my episodes. I didn't even know I was having episodes because mine last super long. Years, actually.

I just switch from disorder to disorder depending on which one is the most active on a given day. I don't know. I've just accepted it, I guess.