Drinking alone again tonight

Sometime ago last year I went through a breakup that was really difficult for me. I loved the girl so much yet she hurt me so badly I couldn't even face the hurt and thus decided to hind behind my studies through workalcoholism. Someday I decided to go to a party after someone asked if I wanted to go, I had drunk before and continued drinking at the party. I ended up blackout drunk to the point I had to go to a hospital.

I honestly can't remember the last time I was truly happy, I think it might have been 6 years ago but I'm not sure. I'm in this constant state of long periods of sadness and loneliness followed by short bursts of hope due to connecting with new people, which never truly end up in good friendships. I am currently again in a state of loneliness after experiencing the manic part, I truly believed this time would be different.

I'm so hurt and broken as a person, so much shit has happened to the point I fear I won't ever be able to feel normal again. I have difficulties trusting others due to the fact that a lot of people are so full of themselves that they can use others like they're nothing and throw them away when done. Recently a girl I met and I talked for the whole night with such a great conenction, ended up sleeping at her place just for it to end in her saying she doesn't want to create false hope, even though she clearly showed interest. I feel so disconnected from so many people, they say and do thing I wouldn't ever do to anyone. I empathize so much with others and could never do something like that. The fact that other can do this without a second thought legitimately scares me to death. I find it hard to trust any person I meet, just because I have in the past and how genuine it seemed it has often ended up in the person totally contradicting themselves just a day after. It's crazy and the fact that people don't feel bad and can just push someone out of their life like that scares me so much honestly.

Today I craved some chips so I went to a night shop, I saw the alcohol and gave in. I'm currently sitting with a bottle of vodka and typing this half drunk, alone. Even though I have some friends I feel so alone, I feel so disconnected from this world. It feels as if I'm crazy caring about others even though I don't know them much. Nobody else seems to do so, others seem to be able to disconnect from people like they're nothing, and not find it crazy that someone you had a good connection with will never appear in your life again. I feel as if so many friendships and whatnot could've been, people I talked to ended up in a genuine connection clearly showed from both sides, yet I don't ever see them anymore. Crazy how you can meet someone once and never hear from them again. I often end up asking what could've been. Yet those are the people ending up with lots of friends. People that I know that say things that are downright absurd and egotistical and whatnot, and everyone agrees what they say is not okay, yet they end up with tons of friends, lovers, and whatnot. How is this fair, how can it be that someone saying they'd leave their gf if they didn't get an abortion cause' their career is more important get friends and lovers and seem so happy, when I struggle to just survive even though I care more about others than my own. Fuck me, and then I wonder why I reach for alcohol. Why do we put up with this and continue to live in this world? I'm tired, gonna take a couple more shots.

TLDR; people are shit, life is unfair, I can't do this no more