Hard tears, hidden from the gaze

What am I even doing with my life?

I...don't know, I've lost the lead that used to somehow guide me. I feel restless, anxious, inhabilitated to live an ordinary life.

It was a dream once, to live without thinking too much of it, even if my mind always was crushing down and I knew. But I could manage, I guess there's that.

Now what?

I can't even be efficient to the one I love and everything seems to be like a dumpster on fire, my life...what am I doing?

Another night, no sleep, nervous to the core, shaking, eating garbage and feeling miserable because I am losing the clues even when they're obvious. I'm becoming scared to open my mouth and let things out, it may be wrong this time or maybe it will be catastrophic who knows.

I wish I could exist peacefully, I don't like to feel like this. Today less tears, but every one of them felt heavier than ever, even my expression has changed, my voice seems from someone who has given up.

But hold up, isn't over yet eh, maybe there's more to come. Nowadays I lost the sense of direction, and maybe I'm about to do something that will anger someone or something...or even myself.

I don't even know if what I'm writing now it's dramatically correct, this it's terrible and another sleepless night it's coming.

I want to bang my head against the wall.l, furiously.