This week has been awful...

This week just hasn't been kind to me at all. Not only is my laptop starting to breakdown which is very terrifying for me because I've had it for years, but if it does then I'll never be able to replace it because it will be too expensive and then I'll be completely barred from making drawings of me and Jade, which is the only way I'm able to make content of us because I can't afford to commission anyone.

I missed therapy this week because my disability cab didn't come pick me up despite me entering into the site that I was ready but it was completely broken, so I haven't been able to talk to my therapist about the rough time I've been having lately (I'm not physically disabled, the cab is because the hospital isn't conveniently accessible to me and I'm not trusted to go out on my own).

I also realized that people from other subs completely despise people like me and think people like me aren't inclusive enough or that I contribute to how "hateful and isolating" some ficto communities can be because of how my sub is. I always had a feeling people didn't like me because of how I am, but it just hurts seeing it being spoken of so openly and only reinforces my delusions that everyone hates me. I just don't understand, I feel like a complete idiot for not understanding why, I feel like it's obvious to other people but it isn't for me.

When I get like this, I start having a really bad urge to eat pet food or dirt. I know that sounds absolutely insane and like a huge stretch to be doing, but I don't know, it's like my mind's way of rationalizing ways to justify why someone might hate me by making myself seem like I'm in a lower position compared to humans, like if I make myself seem like a "useless pet" or someone lower than dirt, then I can make myself feel better at the thought that people hate me and don't want me. I don't know if I have PICA, I've had these urges for years and never got it checked.