Trouble having sex with my boyfriend

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years now(yes I know it's a long time) and I have not been able to bring myself to have PIV sex. I can do other things, toys, ect but when it comes down to the actual act I just can't let go enough to let it happen. I was raised in a very religious family, and there has been so much guilt surrounding sex before marriage. I feel like if I do and my family found out they would disown me, even though they have made comments about me having children. My boyfriend even makes comments about how we are practically married. I would figure comments like these would help me get out of my head, however I am also an SA victim, and after that I could not look my family in the eyes for months, they still don't know about what happened to me. Has anyone else struggled with the same thing? I am perfectly fine not being married on paper as every marriage including my parents has failed, but I feel I won't be able to open up unless I get married or engaged. My boyfriend says none of this bothers him the slightest, and I am enough, however it is beyond bothering me.