Can I be happy?

I(19) have always have struggled a lot with a lot of issues with depression lack of self esteem dysphoria and just general bad thoughts towards myself.

Lately I have been more open about how I feel with myself towards myself and I realize that most of my relationships was just to get distracted more than real love.

However there was one that was different a few years ago, when I was 15 (4 years ago) I started chatting with another trans girl that I shared some twitch chats with and we had a lot of things in common, we liked a lot of the same things, after like 8 months of chatting (completely platonic on both sides) we end up in a moment in which both are single, after some flirting and sexual comments back and forth we kinda started dating (this was mid August 2022) we went on pretty good for months chatting daily staying hours in calls sharing our days and bonding, I didn’t realize at the time but I was genuinely happy for once in years and I had fallen in love with her because she was genuinely perfect, she cared about me and made me feel better when bad things happen or when I had flashes of my trauma, she started telling her friends about me and her but there was one problem, the age gap, during our relationship she was 21, for this reason she had to lie about my age because people would clearly see her as an abuser, this happened around my bday so I was 16 while all of this was happening, after this she also got stressed about something and talked to me about it and I joked about it trying to make her feel it wasn’t such a big deal and while she didn’t say it at the time she thought I was immature, two weeks after my bday she decided to break up with me, she didn’t like lying about my age she hated the distance (long distance relationship) and she felt I was immature and that I needed to grow up but that I had to do it on my own and didn’t have to push myself to grow because she didn’t want that.

Many people will read this and feel that she was abusing/grooming me as some friends pointed out, however I didn’t feel that way, the relationship was inappropriate and is something I’m very aware of, however after some time has passed I feel like no relationship before or after her was the same, what I felt for her was something that I have never felt ever and she told me (while we were still gfs) that she never loved anyone like she did with me.

To this day this relationship hurts me, I had it all but it wasn’t the right time and currently she doesn’t talk to me and I don’t know what to do she is perfect for me and I don’t think I will ever find someone like her, she became my standard for a relationship and no one has ever come close to make me feel like she did.

I would also like to point out that, while the relationship was very sexual from the start, she never forced me to anything she respected my limits when I didn’t feel like chatting about it or about my body that she knew I was very dysphoric of, I still at that age shared some pictures that I regret, not because she forced me but because I was a dumb teenager that shouldn’t be sexualizing itself.

Now after all of this thinking I just feel hopeless, relationship hadn’t worked up, I have dated but it never ends in a good way and I don’t know what to do with my love life.