#rant

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS MENTIONS OF SA BY A FAMILY MEMBER. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. YOU MATTER. ALWAYS.

I (24f) was molested when I was a teenager by a family member that I lived with. I was maybe 15 at the time, and I was a sophomore in hs. He was already graduated and going to college. I still don't know his exact age but he is older than me by at least 5 years.

He had texted me on messenger asking if I wanted to play fortnite in his room and I loved games as a teenager so I went. I can't exactly remember how it happened but eventually he had his hand down my pants. I think he might have put his mouth down there too. The memories are hazy so I can't be too sure about the second part. But his room shared a wall with his mom's room so I do know he'd tell me to be quiet.

I can't remember how many times it happened but it was more than once. He asked me if I knew what condoms were and I think he was trying to go a step further but it never got that far.

I think one time he had me on my hands and knees and like grinded against my backside. I think that was the same time when he asked about the condom. But I also don't know if this actually happened or if my mind is just making this situation up. I do remember vividly his dick rubbing against me though so I dont think I made this up.

There would be times where I'd be in the restroom getting ready for school and he'd come in with a robe on but it would be untied and open and he wouldn't have anything else underneath. He'd intentionally brush up against me and I'd feel his dick rub against my back as he passed.

There was another time where I had come from the bathroom and I had a pretty small room. I had a queen bed that took over like 3/4 of the space and the footboard was tall so you couldn't see over it to the floor unless you like leaned over. But I had laid in bed and like 10 minutes later he came up from where the footboard was and it was just a weird interaction but he left.

I was like 19 and going to a concert and I had on a skirt with fishnets and a cute top and he was like "that's how they dress in porn" or something like that and it made me feel uncomfortable.

I have sexual dreams about him and I wake up feeling disgusted with myself. In the dreams I want him. It's disgusting.

Sometimes I feel like I led him to believe that I was interested in him or something. I never said no. I have a hard time speaking up for myself, still do even as an adult.

Can I still feel angry and be at peace with what has happened?

I hate him with my entire being and I am only around family during the holidays and I ENJOY being around my family. But seeing him always sets my nerves on edge and makes me uncomfortable. And being in that close proximity with him makes me remember.

Writing this now, I feel so much anger and hatred towards him but that is not the type of person I am or want to be.

I have only told my girlfriend about this. Nobody in my family knows and I can't bring myself to tell them. They always wonder why I am not around but I cant do it.