How do I love with this? They hate me

I am so sorry that this is long and to anyone that takes the time to read it, thank you. Thank you for bearing with my story and hearing me. Even though you may be mad at me for what I have done. This is my first ever post.

I have tried for so so long to write this all down. I’ve been so scared too, because I know I will likely hate myself even more than I already do but I feel I cannot talk openly to anyone in my life without anger and judgment. I met my husband when I was 14, I was placed in foster care very quickly after meeting him and was leaving behind a very toxic and at times scary environment. Being 14 and stupid, I thought he was the light I needed, but that changed so quickly that even now I feel like I haven’t had a second to process anything. I should probably at this point also disclose that I was SA’d at the same time. It was my first sexual encounter of my life and incredibly traumatising. I was put in therapy and has hugely helped me. However, my husband did not see that way and for our entire relationship, any argument we had it was brought up. Even just at random times. I would be called a liar and verbally, mentally and eventually physically abused with that being the start and then other things to he would throw at me. He cheated non stop. I always believed the lies and excuses. I was isolated very quickly from my family and if they did speak to me I was told they were manipulating me and he would force me to choose. I had my first at 18, and that was the first time he hurt me. He broke my arm in three places. Why? Because I had stupidly on a girls night, felt too bad maybe? Or stupid? Gave my real number to a man who asked. I had no intention of messaging or speaking to him. But my boyfriend took my phone and pretended to be me while I slept and because the replies were flirty he got mad at me, threw me and broke my arm. I had my second son at 21. My daughter at 24 and last son at 26. Our entire relationship became nothing but low after low where I learned to disengage and shut up so to keep the peace. I didn’t have any fight in me. Day after day on edge, will he shout? Will he turn on the kids? Will he hit me? Why won’t he get a job and help? I worked 40 hour weeks minding the children while he sat in his pyjamas making them do the chores. Towards the end it became so unbearable. Making me doing sexual things that were so degrading I can never say it aloud. Making me do things on camera to his friends. Recording me sexually and against my will. Choking me so hard I couldn’t speak for days. Screaming at me, I was too fat, worthless, useless, a bad mom, no one loved me or wanted me. He was taking it out on my oldest sons too, and I would for them fight back and tackle him away from them, only to get worse again. Every door and wall of the house destroyed from him punching holes in it in anger. I will admit that at this point I began to drown myself. And I will never forgive myself for this. I couldn’t make it stop. I felt so empty and lost. Then one day, after his 20th night in a row of coming home drunk. Me laying in bed praying he wouldn’t go near the kids bedrooms or to me. It happened. I got up early to clean up after his usual drunken rampage of knocking things down and destroying the kitchen etc, I saw his phone had died so plugged it in. What I saw, snapped something in me. Years of knowing in my heart he had been cheating. The messages, pictures..broke what little I had left in me. I kicked him out and he ran straight to his new girlfriend. Who just so happened to be his nieces teacher. What followed was weeks and months of me drowning. My MIL was having the children almost every day and night. I never asked her too and was thankful that maybe she saw the pain. I’m so sorry ashamed of myself for not having the strength to pick myself up and function as a woman or mother. Obviously there are more smaller details but this is already so long. I can clarify if needed. His family owned the home we had lived in at this point for 15 years (family owned home) and as we were separated months asked that I move, which I did. I thought I was finally maybe getting a new start and would get my self fixed right to have the children full time again from my MIL. But….i had moved in 3 hours, when he came knocking. I wish I could properly explain the things he did. My therapist has said it’s called coercive control. I was a puppet. And the next few weeks were, looking back now, insanity. He wanted to move his girlfriend in and we both be his partners. I was to do what he said, eat what he said, wear what he said! Wear a choker collar to signify he owned me. He beat me so badly on that last night before I said enough that I couldn’t move from my kitchen floor for nearly 36 hours. No one to call for help, no one to help. No friends. No family. Nothing. I got myself off that floor eventually. Alone. I’m certain something in me is broken because of all this. But I had my children home with me, with no help. But I was trying to commute the children back and forth to school far away which was costing a fortune. I couldn’t work because I had no help. I should have known CPS would come. I was so so scared. They explained that the school had concerns (attendance mostly) and if I cooperated it would be less harmful to the children. To hand them over to my MIL. And I did. Hardest thing I have ever done in my life. For a while it worked that I had visitation as did their father. His was temporarily stopped when it came to light his gf was hurting my son. I had tried to tell CPS this but was ignored and told to pick my arguments. I wasn’t listened to. If I tried defend myself I was told I was argumentative. I agreed to anything CPS asked me to do. I did patenting classes, met with alcohol abuse specialists who themselves told CPS I wasn’t a threat or an alcoholic but just in desperate need of mental health support and therapy. My in laws went to court and were awarded parental rights. I was told at this point if I wished to see my children that my MIL was to decide when etc and we arrange between us. She would restrict everything I could do. Where I can take them. What I can say to them. And I wholeheartedly agree with 99%. I do. They are what matters. Not my feelings. But why cannot tell them I’m in a great place? That I’m in a wonderful relationship with a very lovely man of good standing? That I have a pet dog? I cannot have them in my home or near my partner. Yes I know I was a mess. I admit that. It I’m not a bad person and never have been. I’m no threat to them and neither is my partner. There are no drug or alcohol issues for any of us involved. No criminal records, no warrants (1 parking violation on partners part) Their father has moved on and now has children with said gf. I have never spoken badly, never discouraged my kids involvement, never said I am not willing to coparent etc. I feel like I’m being treated like a criminal. So I shamefully have walked away. Clearly they feel I’m either not good enough or will hurt the children. I now have not seen them in nearly 10 months. I cannot do this limited suppressed visitation with my babies, I can’t. I can’t answer their quizzical questions even if I wanted to because I’m not allowed too. My family have further disowned me because they think I abandoned the children and absolutely will not hear my side so know very little of the magnitude of abuse I had. I cannot live with myself. My children were my only reason I survived. My purpose in life. And likely hate me with more passion now than their father ever did. I’m so sorry. I have sat here now for days with the weight of this killing me slowly. I feel I’m just taking up space and be better off just not being here on earth. I’m so so sorry my beautiful sweet kind amazing children x please rdo not ever think for a second I do not love you with every part of my soul.