Finding my own light

It’s been nine months. Nine months of silence, nine months since . . . This journey has been a solitary and necessary immersion into my own heart. I wanted so bad that single, confirming word from someone, anyone, that what I went through was real, that my feelings were justified. I realize now that I was looking for external permission to heal. And honestly, there were moments, especially in the rawest hours of the pain, when I felt so exposed, so vulnerable, that I prayed for a distraction. I wanted someone—anyone—to fog my mind, to groom me into forgetting, to pull me out of the truth of the wreckage. Honestly I knew it would help me forget you. I wanted it like I begged from you . But thank God that didn’t happen.

That distraction would have been another cage. I needed this space to reclaim myself. It's ironic, being with you felt like I was just with myself— I didn't see it then but it's amazing with sitting alone with one self what you see now. My work has been self-forgiveness. I’ve been giving myself the comfort and grace I was denied for allowing the toxicity to continue for so long. I’ve had to hold myself close and remind the part of me that blames itself: It is not my fault that I loved you so purely and deeply. It wasn't a flaw in me; it was the toxic tactics—the manipulation, the gaslighting, the emotional traps—that tripped me up. I had to internalize the truth that those tactics can dismantle anyone, no matter how strong they are. Now, my focus is on rebuilding the foundation. I'm actively seeking and finding love within my own family again, breaking free from the resentment and isolation you cunningly planted. Your manipulation tried to sever those ties, but they are proving to be my life raft. I’m no longer focused on the exhausting, endless task of filling your cup. My gaze is inward, searching for the light I once had, the greatness I used to pour into my own existence. My cup is full. My light is shining. And the greatest blessing is this simple, profound commitment: I get to take care of me.

You, on the other hand well I wouldn't know. But If I know you, which I do you seemed instant distraction, and immediate validation, because you cannot and will not face the wrongs that reside within you. The new person is not a successor; they are merely a new character in your ongoing, painful cycle. It’s clear you can’t move from it. I feel sorrow for the cycle, but I feel triumph for my escape. I am free.