I'm getting addicted to bad media again (HEAVY TW)

The title kinda explains most of it. I do a lot of dumb shit like this, although it may be at it's worse this year, and hey I was strong for a while.

I have always had a weird fascination with forbidden things ever since I was young... free to watch whatever I pleased on YouTube. For a while many years later when I was 9-10 I had a strong porn addiction, proud to say it is lesser at the moment though. I remember watching a lot of really kinky stuff when I went on PornHub too... like cnc, bdsm, piss/scat, etc. But now, oh boy we are on a different level.

I have always had an interest in biology, what keeps a body running. I loved dissection in school, from owl pellets to fetal pigs... everything about it was so fascinating. Eyes, hearts, brains, it was all a walk in the park... the only gross thing being the condensation from the preservation solution (forgot the name).

Regardless, that shifted into something different, being exposed to a some TV show gore too. I was young, maybe 9 as well when I saw a realistic beheading on TV while I was doing my math homework... I couldn't look away, it was terrifying and I still think of it sometimes... but I digress. I love slashers, very few gore things phasing me (nails, fingers, feet, tibia/shin injuries get me) but recently I've spiraled and I regret it a ton.

I've starting looking at real irl gore, injuries, etc. I don't know why, I don't find it pleasuring... but I find it fascinating in a way, sorry to overuse that word but I truly do. I've seen the light leave an animals eyes many times, I even documented a cow butchering live. That proud feeling when they saw I could handle the guts and blood-soaked soil, the skinning, the everything. Now I find myself interested in tragedies, accidents, murders, death. And while I know seeing it irl is super different, my own blood no longer makes me squeamish... but I cant handle beans layer EUGHH... that one gets me.

Anyway, I should probably get better but idk if I want to... I like being messed up sometimes :3