Regret and Self-Forgiveness

For the last year and a half, I’ve been struggling with constant guilt over the person I used to be. Some days it’s nonstop, other times it hits me out of nowhere when I’m finally feeling okay, and it completely derails my mood.

A few years ago in college, I was a bad partner. I was toxic and manipulative. It wasn’t always bad, but as the relationship went on, I got worse. Before that relationship, I had been in a really unhealthy relationship with an adult when I was 16/17. I tried to blame my behavior on that trauma. Looking back, I should’ve gotten therapy and dealt with it in a healthy way instead of letting it bleed into a new relationship. But to be clear: that trauma doesn’t excuse how I acted at 20/21. It only explains why I was struggling.

After we broke up, I finally went to therapy and took time to reflect. After a year or so I felt it was necessary to apologize for the way I had acted during our time together. I reached out with an apology and made it clear there was no pressure to respond. She didn’t, and I fully understand why.

A little after sending that apology, my OCD got much worse. With it, the regret intensified, and I’ve basically lived with these thoughts for over a year now.

I’m not the same shitty person anymore. I am truly sorry, and not just for my own sake, but I am sorry for how I affected her. It’s such a strain having this regret at all times and constantly thinking about it. One of my biggest OCD-related fears is being cancelled over being this toxic asshole in college. I want to stress that I’m not regretful because of that fear, and am genuinely sorry over my actions, not because of the fear of being cancelled.

I’ve grown a lot since then, become much more empathetic, and I’m trying and succeeding in being a better person every day. But the guilt feels stuck, and I’m scared that these thoughts about being a bad person will never go away. Has anyone else dealt with something like this? How do you move forward when you genuinely regret who you used to be?