I want to be wanted - being fat, being lonely, being neurodivergent, wanting moreeee

Idk I think this is pretty much it. None of these are to an obscene level either. I’m not THAT fat, but fat enough. And have an unhealthy awareness of my body so that pretty much at any point, I’m thinking about being fat - think it’s my Roman Empire (shoutout mom I love you though)

I’m social, I have people who love me, but most of them are 5000 miles away and I’m in an overwhelming metropolis. I have friends and they’re lovely, but for context I’m 25f and a mature student at uni (neurodivergent tax sigh) and they’re all university age pretty young. I think I can probably find something in common with anyone, but we don’t really share similar interests.

I’m mostly pretty lonely in the romantic sense I think and I miss being understood. I haven’t felt desired in a VERY long time. I don’t think I have the average woman experience. I’m pretty and friendly. I get along great with guys, but friendly always friendly. I think weight plays a part for sure. But it’s getting to me, I don’t want to be insecure and I want to be wanted (duh).

I think there’s something in my personality that repels sexual interest lol. I wish I could ask my guy friends without being one of THOSE people. When in conversations with my girl friends, old or new, no one asks me about romantic stuff. Like if we’re all in a group updating each other on the latest, there’s like a skip, I don’t get asked questions. I can’t tell if it’s out of pity or if it genuinely doesn’t occur to them that I could also have these experiences. It’s not that deep, no, but I’m feeling it right now and I’m having a hard time not being doomsday-y about it.

I’m also so so ambitious. Like it terrifies me, because I don’t know if I can do it and I feel like I’m in a hurry. But I also don’t want my insecurities to get in the way, because they’re starting to feel fundamental. And I haven’t spoken to people who get me in a long time. I think too much, read too much geopolitics and history, talk too much, plan too much for my life. I’m also officially a third culture kid, which is great lol, but makes it hard to relate really. No longer fully connected to people back home, not fully connected to where I am right now. I should probably just be among diplomats. Idk I’m loved, yes, but I’m lonely.