Wish I never even said Hello

10 months did more damage than 10 years with my narcissistic ex-wife. All those years of therapy and everything I accomplished down the drain. I used to be secure, learned to walk away from toxic behavior, and didn't chase. If you didn't want me I just let you go. Now I'm just an anxious broken mess

She said and did all the right things in the beginning. Was so sweet, kind, caring, and attentive. She made me feel special and even said she wanted to be the one good thing in my life. This went on for months and months. She was pursuing me! Then the push pull started followed by the slow pull back. Then disappearing for a week followed by going awol every weekend. The infamous "I'm so overwhelmed" kept being said along with I have so much grief.

I stayed and made myself available to her. I treated her like a priority and the way she said she wanted to be treated. I made myself vulnerable, told her how much she meant to me, and that I loved her. Anytime I tried to talk about "us" or how I felt I just got excuses as to why she couldn't talk. Then when I started feeling like she didn't care and I was just an option all hell broke loose. She snapped and started throwing around the word boundaries. We argued, she got nasty, and threw the time I opened up to her back in my face. It was a side of her I had never seen before. I never thought she could ever be so cruel.

After that we cooled off and she seemed to feel bad about what she said, but didn't say it. We continued talking, but things stayed the same. During the gaps of silence I really started to think maybe I need to let go. I wrote out these kind caring break up texts saying I couldn't keep doing this. I told her I didn't want a response and to just let me go. She always responded with an apology and even said I'm sorry I can't be the person I want to be and the person you need me to be right now. Somehow we continued talking, but nothing changed.

I got frustrated and said we need to talk and she said "I need space, I'm overwhelmed." I pulled back, but apparently it wasn't enough. She kept getting upset and I got mad. Told her I was tired of everything being about her and on her time. She snapped back with I told you I needed space! You're now just being manipulative, aggressive, and pressuring me. If you can't respect what I want then maybe we dont need to communicate anymore!

Then I snapped and months of pent up frustration just came out. I went on and on and on. I let everything out! Then I panicked and tried to take it all back apologizing. Then I got mad again and then I got anxious. I started begging for her to say something, anything! I asked her multiple times if it was over with no answer. Haven't heard a word from her since and I'm devastated. This was almost a month ago. I know she has deactivated completely emotionally. I could sense it happening. She refuses to answer the phone and won't respond to any messages. She also won't block my number or anything.

She was anxious and insecure in the beginning when she actually was open with me. Now I think she has completely swung to the dismissive side and completely shutdown. I should have known better when she said she disappears when she gets overwhelmed and comes back after she tries to fix things herself in the very beginning. I even said that's not healthy and you should talk about things. She even agreed and said I was right.

I'm not perfect and I did not handle things correctly every time. I said things I probably shouldn't have, but I could never treat someone like she treated me. I have childhood trauma, trauma from relationships, anxiety, stress, health issues, and I get overwhelmed. But I never shutdown, push people away, discard, or hold in my feelings. Funny thing is even though my nervous system is fried, I'm hurt, and I'm upset I still worry if she is ok. Wtf? I'm so fucking exhausted! Why couldn't she be like the person she made herself out to be? I know that's the person I'm stuck on, but my heart refuses to believe the person she showed herself to be is the real her. Maybe I'm really the fucked up one here.