Realizing that my friends don’t respect me

Hihi, I made a post here a day ago. About how miscommunication was ruining our friendship.

I’m making another post because I’m realizing now that I’m, not really respected. In the group.

I said in my previous post that my (F20) closest friends, O (F26) and A (M22), often confide in me with their issues that come up within or outside the group. At first I was really honored they trusted me enough to tell me what was wrong and I’d always keep their secrets, listening as O would complain about how some of our friends weren’t a fan of her writing or A bemoaning on how he felt like O wasn’t listening to his criticism. After a while it felt more like they were just, attacking each other to me.

Do you know how fucking difficult it is trying to comfort these two while they bitch about each other and others? How it feels to have to constantly listen to both sides of the same situation?

They never consult me either, never ask my own opinions or how I felt on the situation. It became a regular thing to the point I still don’t even know if my own opinions are my own or just parroting back what they tell me. It sucks, feeling like a dumb sheep being told what to do. I’d be constantly told who was in the wrong or who was a victim and I’d just have to nod and go along. I know it’s my own fault, I should’ve told them something, but this was my first real friend group in the last 5 years and I was scared, I’m still scared, of losing them.

It became worse when a certain situation happened. For context, we all really enjoy roleplays (stuff like DND and content series work) and one of our favorite things was Minecraft rp. Earlier this year a really bad situation happened, to make it short someone spread a horrible accusation to try and break me and A up, and it was theorized that it was because that person had a crush on me from roleplays. After this happened I took a break and decided to never join stuff like this again.

Of course, A and O didn’t take that well.

It started simple and innocent enough, they just wanted me to heal from this mess, but then they kept pushing. “Oh we found this new server you’d like to join!” “Oh you’d love the lore happening here” “hey yknow we really miss playing with you, you’d love this!”

Every. Fucking. Time.

Even after I said so many times I was NOT ready to go back to that stuff, after I said time and time again I was not mentally well enough, they kept pushing. Even after I straight up gave the reason that those accusations made me terrified to even rp again with folks, what did they do?

Make it about themselves. And how sad they were that I stopped hanging out with them. Ignoring all the times I’d still be in call, gaming with them.

It got to the point I just gave up and joined what they wanted me to join, and I think that and the post earlier was really the last straw for me.

Am I just not important to them? Do my feelings not matter?

I’m so tired of feeling like just a pet, I’m never taken seriously. My feelings always put down for their own.

Right now I’ve just been distancing myself, it sucks but I’m so tired. I don’t even know how to tell them how I feel without just shutting down.