Need help / advice (a vent about my life)

Hey lovelies,

I’m really struggling at the moment and I’m not sure what to do to pick myself up. I’m 16F and I feel as if I have been struggling my whole life.

I grew up with undiagnosed autism which made everything a whole lot harder, especially trying to understand and process trauma and the way my dad was treating me. At the age of 8 I started developing eating issues (restriction and excessive exercise) and have kept it to myself until this week. At the age of ten i started to notice symptoms of depression, anxiety (general, social and separation), bpd and “bipolar mood patterns” (because im underage this is what the diagnosis is called for me). all of which I have eventually been diagnosed with. At the age of 10/11 I developed many suicidal thoughts and started self harming. I was put on many many different antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilisers, anti anxiety meds, and stimulants over the course of the next few years up until now. At the age of 13, a few days before my 14th birthday, I tried to end my life. I went to hospital but they didn’t keep me there because my parents refused. By age 14 I was no longer in school due to my mental health, I was on the wrong medication which sent me into psychosis without anyone realising. I would say obscure ways I was going to end my life. I also became severely addicted to SH, it was every day multiple times a day. I was taken off those meds eventually. At the age of 14/15 I feel into a long depressive episode, I became fully nocturnal. Then I was put on the right meds and everything got a bit better. I started at a new school, made lots of new friends, and was starting to be somewhat normal. Now I am 16, I have been back at school for around 2 years now, and i’m doing great academically despite missing so much. I got badly addicted to weed and another drug this year. while i was addicted to those drugs i got very intense mood swings and or episodes and or splitting, of of those situations let to me trying to overdose. I overdosed by accident on the drug i was addicted too at a party. my parents don’t know this. I also struggle with binge drinking. I had a very bad breakup then ended in me trying to end my life again in my school bathrooms. very recently iv quit the drug i was addicted to and it’s so hard. I’m on a mood stabiliser that has reduced a lot of my episodes, just started a new anti depressant, and i’m on a stimulants and it’s all going well.

Yet today I’m getting bad thoughts. I feel like there’s nothing good for me. My ex boyfriend left me two months ago, he was the closest iv ever been to someone. and my best friend is drifting from me and won’t hangout with me. im pretty sure my other best friend has a crush on me and i feel strange around him now. my immense feelings of bordem are leading to me having suicidal thoughts. I can’t eat at the moment, i’m loosing weight rapidly. my parents are constantly nagging at me to eat and tell me in so dramatic and selfish. I realised yesterday that a situation that happened a few months ago was actually me being raped. I’m struggling to find enjoyment in anything. I’m having thoughts of relapsing SH. I’m not sure what to do. I can give so much helpful advice to others and help others yet I just can’t help myself. I’m just tired of this, i’m so so tired.

Please someone help me.