Anyone else get this full-body sick ache when they really sit with it?

I get this feeling. it’s sometimes a feeling which moves between sadness and especially anger, it feels very alienating and removes me from care about this world, it’s physical, like someone put a heart in my stomach and it just stays there, like a burning cold, pulsing away and driving me mad.

i feel it when I read about ancient battles and how the conquered men were stripped, paraded and debased while the victors enjoyed the spoils of war. i feel it when i think about slavery, about men who lost everything and had to stand there while their wives and daughters were taken from them and i feel roundabout the same thing when i’m doomscrolling and see another woman on reddit or tiktok talk about the disappointment of a bad or small dick. About the inborn inferiority of the man who has it and about his inadequacy and about the lack of value he has regardless of what he does (and trust me he is expected to do so much more anyway! As a compensation for his curse). It doesn't matter what you say or what you do, what your values are hell you could be Jesus Christ or the Buddha nothing changes about it.

It’s always the same sensation: total exposure, total helplessness. like something vital was amputated before i even opened my eyes in this world an ache for something i was never allowed to have being wanted without apology, without footnotes, without “yeah but…” it’s a hunger that gnaws every single day and will never be fed, because the door was bricked up at birth.

And the cruelest part is how precise it feels. not random, not unlucky just a calm, deliberate verdict: this one gets the defect that quietly disqualifies him from the most basic form of male acceptance. no appeal, no parole. just carry it until you die. that’s the same dread people have always felt staring down conquest, war, famine, mortality itself: the moment you realise your body isn’t fully yours, that it can be sized up, laughed at, thrown away, burnt to ashes and all you can do is feel it in your bones while the world keeps marching forwards.

anyone else sort of understand where I am coming from? or is it just me connecting these dots and feeling like i’m going insane.