has anyone else felt like they’re always walking on eggshells?

Is it just me, or do you ever feel like you have to constantly watch what you say around your SK’s or even what questions you ask? My partner gets very defensive about the kids, and it feels like almost anything I say is taken the wrong way.

For example, I once casually asked, “Shouldn’t the 9yo be able to read and write by now?” not as a criticism, just genuine curiosity. He took it as an attack. We joke about BM sometimes, and he makes comments too, but recently I made what I thought was a harmless joke about the kids not showering and smelling sometimes. They didn’t hear me, but he said to him it sounded like I was “bullying” them and we’ve been arguing about it for days now. He doesn’t want them to ever feel “less,” which I understand, but it feels like anything I say gets twisted into an insult or a judgment on his parenting.

The funny thing is, I’ve never actually criticized his parenting directly — even though the kids are very spoiled, don’t clean up after themselves, and lack basic responsibilities. I always tell him it’s his and BM’s job to raise them how they see fit. But I also don’t want to feel like I can’t say anything at all.

I told him this, and he apologized and admitted he does get defensive when it comes to them. But I still feel stuck. Is this normal? Has anyone else felt this way in a Step-parent role?