I (F22) feel like I’ve completely lost Admiration for my boyfriend (M21)

I don’t know how to put this into perfect words, but I really need an outside opinion because everything in my head feels messy.

The biggest issue that’s breaking me is the way he handles conflict. If we have even a small argument, he just disappears. No call, no message, nothing. Sometimes it’s days of silence. I sit there alone, anxious, shaking, spamming, heart beating crazy, wondering what I did wrong.

Plus me being a girl sometimes i also want him to take my nakhra but it's always me who handles his tantrums.

I also want ki - if i dont text for a day . Him to ask msh or spam where i am and why not msging. But it's the other way around.

I’ve told him so many times that a simple “I love you but I need some time” would calm me down, but he won’t do it. He just shuts off and leaves me alone with my thoughts every time.

Because of this pattern, I’ve slowly lost that emotional safety. The respect and admiration I had are fading. Earlier, I used to admire him so much. I was genuinely proud to be with him. I believed he was loyal in his mind and heart, that intimacy with me meant something deeper for him.

And then I found out about his porn habits. He watches explicit videos, nude clips, random girls undressing, and masturbates regularly while hiding it from me. Before this, I honestly believed he only got turned on by me. I thought he waited for our moments together and respected me enough not to go looking elsewhere. I admired what I thought was maturity and self-control. I used to feel proud thinking he was someone who didn’t need any of that because our connection mattered to him.

But now it feels like everything I believed was just in my head. While I was sending “love you, miss you” at night, he was watching other girls and ignoring my texts. It makes me feel like I was living in a different reality. He acted so innocent and sweet with me, but privately he was doing the exact opposite of what I thought he was.

The part that scares me is how it’s affecting my own thoughts. I never liked porn, never had the habit of looking at guys online or thinking about celebrities like that. Now because of him, my mind is shifting. I catch myself thinking maybe it’s normal to look at other boys, actors, singers. Even though deep down I don’t enjoy it, it’s like I’m forcing myself to think like him because I don’t know what’s right anymore.

I still love him, but the admiration is gone, the pride is gone, and intimacy feels different now. The ghosting hurts more than anything because every time I’m the one crying alone while he just disconnects. I don’t feel emotionally safe with him anymore and that’s something I valued the most. I do love him, and if he works on this ghosting, and loyalty is non-negotiable to me, I’m willing to do anything for him.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting, or if it’s valid to feel this way. Can admiration ever come back once it’s broken like this? How do you rebuild respect after you realize the person you loved wasn’t the person you believed he was?

I’m genuinely confused and I don’t want to become someone I’m not just to match his behavior. I just want to understand if what I’m feeling is normal or if I’m being too emotional.

Any honest advice would help. Thanks for reading this.