feeling really fucked and idk what to do rn?

so background

im 16M have autism and i think it is citalopram im taking? and i go to a place where u go to and eventually go back to school im there monday and friday morning (9-12) and wednsday the whole day (9-3)

and its fine

but the last few days i have been feeling horrid like excuse me for the words ima be using

but i kinda feel really fucked up idk how to properly translate it to english i dont think there is a way but how i would say like a cancer really fucking bad i dont want to do anything nor do i want to sleep

and idk why this is happening like my life isnt interesting at all if there would be a button that would make me die and everybody forgot my it would be a 60/40% that id push it with the 60% being pushing it

and i dont do anything all day i just... game thats it nothing more 0 friends irl online i have a few

and to the location i go i met someone we had a nice click and we met up one time we were at my place from 1pm till 12pm but a few days later i made a joke (not even gonna repeat it im so ashamed of it and ik it was really stupid) and he didnt like it which is completly my fault i just have the tendency to find the limits with people so i know what i can do

well didnt like it etc etc eventually he reached out to me saying via a councelor so to speak before u see each other again (didnt happen yet due to me leaving 2 hours early now him also not always being there this was 3 weeks ago) that he did really like the contact we had there but that contact outside of the place is a bit much rn

which i understand fully and i said if the councler could say to him that i understand and if he ever wants to do something he can just send a message

and im fine with that bit of a bumer but im fine with that problem is idk if it actually was that reason or because of the joke but i cant do anything else than take his word

but idk that idea has been floating around in my head sometimes but hey people come and go and im only 16

it is what it is

and idk what to do with this any tips

i dont wanna game i dont wanna read i dont wanna sleep i dont wanna watch a serie or movie

and my mom will be councling the dr about it but thats tommorow since he aint working rn but i swear to god if he suggest changing meds im gonna lose it these are the 3rd also had zoloft/sertralin and aripiprazol im on meds for 4 ish years rn and the going down in slowly dossage to start the other one is hell everytime

even tough i already feel fucked rn

and u know never had a gf or anything close to romanticly which ik is completley fine and normal at 16 and i shouldnt worry about it but idk kinda makes me feel lonely sometimes

that was it sorry if its hard to understand i kinda dozed off on topics but well i typed it so may as well keep it