Wife emotionally cheated two months after our marriage

I never thought that I would do this, but perhaps it is part of my therapy in dealing with the recent events, perhaps I write this to get an opinion from anonymous users who can think about the situation without bias and give relevant advice, perhaps this is the first start of my recovery process. It will be a longer post, so please bear with me.

My wife (F24) and I (M31) have been together for almost four years, but last week I discovered via her diary that she has had a one-month emotional affair with a colleague from her new job, two months after our marriage. Little info on background.

The two of us met 4 years ago and clicked instantly. She was my first serious partner after previous LTR which also ended due to ex’s infidelity. It felt like a match made in heaven – we had same views on life, opinions, moral grounds, and sense of humour. We adopted a puppy after 4 months of relationship and quickly started living together – with surprisingly few hiccups.  Of course, we had our ups and downs; she had battled with minor depression by using meds – but was lowering dosage during our relationship, and her parents were dealing with their own infidelity (from her dad’s side) etc., while I was sometimes more “individualistic” and “not giving 100% to the relationship” according to her. But the few cons (how I felt about them) were seriously outweighed by the pros. All went so well that we married this September. Wife -after finishing university – found a new job shortly after our marriage in mid-September.

Since the beginning November, I felt something was off. Wife was exceedingly more detached – whenever I initiated conversation, she would reply shortly without follow-up questions, and walked around the house listening to podcasts. She started cooking only for herself (while I always cooked for both of us). She found new job friends and started spending a lot of time with them, but did not provide much info on them. She told me that she was getting a new tattoo only 20mins before her appointment – despite knowing my reservations about tattoos. I sensed something was off.

During a cleaning of the house on 1 December, I found her secret diary when she was not at home. What was in it shocked me. She wrote about feeling a connection with a colleague from the new job. She wrote about how he was shy – and how she liked it, how she went to his lecture (on self-invitation), and how during the latest meeting which occurred, that they discussed how he mentioned her name to his mom and how he considered her a “partner”. She reciprocated the “partner” claim in the diary.

That “partner” reciprocation happened on the day that she told me that she would go to the cinema with her close female friend. But she went there with this guy. And there was a page describing how she visited a flat for rental and that she was planning to sign a contract during the week that I found the diary. I was… shellshocked.

I confronted her when she returned home. She cried, had a panic attack, said that they never were physical with the colleague, and that it meant nothing. The rental was supposed to “scare me to give more to the relationship”. I was emotionally overwhelmed and asked her to go to her parent’s house for a few days – and pack lightly - so that I could recover and think about our relationship. What surprised me was that she packed three huge suitcases and left.

After a few days, I called her and asked her about the situation and offered to meet to discuss her emotional affair. Her response was that she felt “angry and humiliated” by the fact that “I kicked her out of the house” and would meet me the sometime following week. One week after this – and slight communication but no in person meeting - I went to her parent’s house (on the advice of a friend) with a bouquet of flowers and told her that we are still spouses, and that I would like her to come back so that we could deal with the situation as adults. She was angry, and told me that she was not going anywhere and that I was “pressurising” her.

Few days later, wife wrote to me that she would be unable to meet me this week, and that we should give ourselves “time apart” so that we do not act “based on emotions”. Still no word of remorse on the affair. She added that she would like to collect her additional stuff this weekend, and her female friend would join (I assume it’s her shield for not being alone with me). My wife also wrote that we should discuss “our relationship” in mid-January the earliest.

So this is my current situation. My emotional state is in tatters, my head does not function clearly. I confided about wife’s EA and the subsequent events to two of my closest friends who know her well. One thinks wife needs until mid-January time to calm down to understand how she hurt me (and perhaps approach me sooner) because she is in a cycle of guilt-shame-embarrasment, while the other thinks that she is a silent quitter and preparing for a new life. I have so many questions

·       Why did she cheat on me two months after the wedding?

·       Why is she not remorseful?

·       Why is my wife acting like the victim in this situation?

·       What does her decision to meet almost two months after DDay and separation aim to achieve?

·       Is she continuing contact with her colleague and building her relationship with him?

·       Is there a realistic chance to salvage this relationship?

Thanks for your opinions.

 

TLDR: Wife emotionally cheated with work colleague two months after our marriage. I told her to leave. Despite wanting to talk about the affair, she does not want to discuss it until January and is having minimal cold contact.