I want a guy back after I broke up with him twice

I (16F) was going through a horrible depressive phase for some time. In that time I isolated myself from everyone around me including my boyfriend at the time (Lets call him C) , and he asked me if I still even liked him. For some reason this made me feel so guilty that I was making him upset I convinced myself that he would be happier without me so I told him I wanted to break up. I got into a slightly better headspace in the next 3 weeks or so and I realized I really missed him. Apparently he missed me too because we ended up getting back together for around a month.

I dont know what happened after that but my mental state became the worst it had ever been before. I completely stopped eating food (I have a diagnosed ed) and even got hospitalized for a while because i lost like 10 pounds in a week. I felt like absolute shit to the point where I wanted to end my own life. For some fucking reason I decided that I had to break up with C so I could feel less guilty. So I told a mutual friend that I didnt like him so that she could tell him and he would break up with me . (It sounds absolutely fucking insane now but this was my thought process).

Of course it worked , he was so mad at me after we broke up he woudnt talk to me for like a month. At some point I opened up to a mutual friend (A) about my mental health and the shit I lied about C. A told C this and C came and asked me if I was okay. I was absolutely fucking devastated that my "plan" had failed I just told him to stay mad at me . I survived the attempt and because I didnt want C to know I didnt tell A.

I dont know how much C knows because A refuses to tell me what she told him. C talks to me regularly and I feel so terrible because I want him back , but then he doesnt deserve to go through this shit again. I dont even know if he would want me back first of all and even if he did would it be right getting back with him?

I'm willing to answer questions if someone can help.