what does this even mean?

Throwaway account because i’m anxious.

I’ve never been a “girly” girl, I could never make friends with girls because I never shared their interests, and always was “bros” with the guys. Earlier in my teen years I had cut off all my hair and started wearing more masc leaning clothes I guess you could say. I started having thoughts surrounding my gender, at the same time became attracted to women. Eventually, I grew my hair back out and started wearing more feminine clothing again and realized that I was a lesbian. Fast forward to now, i’ve had some confusing feelings and i’m married to my husband who is FTM. I really have horrible confidence in myself due to raging PCOS, but it’s scary how closely I can relate to how he used to feel about himself or views himself with how I do with myself. I have a large disconnect to my body which I can only account to my weight gain. The other day I had put some of his clothes on while he was away, nothing special just a hoodie and flannel and a chain. However, it made me feel really confident and my whole demeanor changed. He totally liked this but then it brought back all of these feelings. I don’t necessarily think girly, I don’t really particularly enjoy being a woman sometimes, tbh if I could be reborn I would choose a man. But at the same time, it’s not like i’m extremely uncomfortable with my body in terms of female parts, and like to curl my hair and get dressed up occasionally and still like some girl things most of the times.

But something is throwing me for a loop here, I imagine this all sounds really stupid. I have gender envy for sure, but the only time I truly have said I felt like I could be the opposite gender is in high school which chat gpt tried to help me (don’t come for me) that because I wasn’t raised in a household I could openly explore myself and it be accepted, I tried on different identities because I was confused about liking women and that I didn’t have to fit the standard of girlhood, and did so because I had no one to look up to. Most days I can align with being a woman, but still in my head and on others I don’t at all. I already don’t want to post this because it makes me so nervous about things going on in my head and sharing it. I’m so terribly sorry if this sounds so dumb. I just grew up in a household with a father who was very conservative and wanted me in a box and now i’m in my mid 20s trying to figure out everything and don’t feel like it’s okay, don’t know much about any of this and feel like i’m doing something wrong😅