Let’s skip the small talk and get married. Or, like, be best friends and talk about weird dreams. Your call.

Hey you.

Yes, you, scrolling and wondering if this is finally the post that’ll change your life.

It is. Congratulations. We’re getting married. 🎉 Or becoming platonic soulmates who share memes at 2am and rank cereal mascots by fighting ability. I’m flexible.

About me:

27M, human (mostly), located somewhere in the world

Fully house-trained and up to date on vaccinations

Once cried during a cooking show but played it off as allergies

Thinks raccoons would make excellent life coaches

6'2" but emotionally 5'10" on good days

Looking for:

Someone who will dramatically say “you’re being so brave” when I parallel park

A friend who won't judge my Spotify playlists that go from lo-fi to death metal to Shrek soundtrack

Ideally owns a blanket that's way too big for any reasonable purpose

Likes chaotic conversations that spiral from "how was your day" to "do you think pigeons have regional accents?"

Let’s chat. Let’s vibe. Let’s become best friends and confuse everyone with how quickly we bonded. Or, y’know, get married for the tax benefits. I’ll bring snacks.

Send me your weirdest thought of the day as an opener. Or your pet’s name. Or your favorite kind of cheese. I accept all forms of communication.