Reviewing Therapy Notes Post-Divorce

My divorce has been finalized for about 2 months now, and in working with my new therapist, I thought it might be helpful to have the notes from my individual sessions with our couples therapist (I'd like the notes from our couples session, but he'd have to sign a release which would require me breaking no-contact).

I received the notes today, and I was going through them and I just lost it. It struck me that the things that I was talking about in therapy were so serious and so abusive, and I was so alone. Even in reading the therapists clinical notes (and I know, they're clinical, that's the whole point) she was so detached about things that were causing me so much harm, but even in the notes she says things like abuse, emotional manipulation, etc. that were NEVER said to me out loud, or addressed in couples therapy. If I had heard "Yes, that experience is following abusive patterns and is emotionally manipulative" instead of "I understand that you're feeling like that is emotionally manipulative and possibly abusive" I would've been able to help myself earlier. I had been so gaslit that I couldn't trust my own emotions, and instead of helping me realize that I wasn't just feeling those things, it actually WAS those things, she just validated the feelings (which was helpful, but took far longer than it should've). And in the notes, she makes the remarks that yes, it was abusive, yes it was emotionally manipulative, but that was never said or discussed, even when I was looking for that validation.

It just hit me how much longer I stayed because I needed that validation from someone who saw the whole picture and I never got it, even though now it's clear to me that the evidence was present the entire time. I'm so upset, and sad, and angry. I'm genuinely considering going home from work because I am distraught at the thought that she knew how horrible my situation was, and chose not to be explicit about it.

Even though I'm out now and free, he's still lingering and haunting me, stalking, etc. I just am so sad that this is where I'm at. Someone please tell me that this gets better, and I can emotionally recover at some point?