My life is crumbling and it's my fault.

Throwaway, and I'm sorry for the wall of text. I'm emotional and don't have a way to get it out.

I struggle with romantic relationships. I love immensely. I'm a hand holder, cuddler, surprise kisser type. I like buying little surprise gifts when I think of my (now ex) partner, I love playing video games with him, going on dates, supporting him, and making sure he knows how loved he is. I love making dinners together, laughing about our days, and having deep discussions or quoting Tiktoks.

The problem is that my libido is very low. I'm sure you immediately know where this is going. I have a history of PTSD and sexual trauma which makes it very hard to ever get in the mood, or even see sex as something good. I'm on the ace spectrum, and because of my experiences, having sex is akin to watching sports games because my partner likes them. Sure, I'll ask questions and at least make an attempt, but that doesn't mean I'm going to start playing fantasy football. That doesn't mean I wouldn't rather be paying bills, washing dishes, or literally anything else. It is worth it to make my partner feel satisfied and loved, so I definitely make an effort. It just isn't enough.

I was very transparent about this with my now ex before we started dating. He didn't understand what asexual meant so I took time to explain and tell him that it's why I don't date, and I don't think I should be dating anyone. It's hard to struggle with this daily and expect a loved one to just ride it out. It's selfish on my part.

That was six years ago. My now ex was very understanding and has helped me immensely. But sex is still a struggle. He wants sex every day. I would struggle with weekly. But I started telling myself that maybe if I tried really hard, I could change it. I could overcome my sexuality or lack thereof.

I started dreading quiet moments. Any time I woke up earlier then him, my brain started beating me down. "This is a prime opportunity to surprise him with sex. That's what he wants, and you're wasting this chance. He's going to be hurt and assume you don't love him." That guilt and self-dread ate me up. Surprisingly, adding stress and obligations onto the idea of sex does NOT make you horny.

The man who not two months ago was telling me he wants to buy a house with me told me yesterday that we have to be done. We still live together. He wants to stay friends. He wants to continue to share a bed, a home, a life. Just as roommates. Everything the same, just no romance or chance for it.

I am working on finding my own apartment. I don't have family that can help, and I'm not from this area. I have a few close friends (2) but they are all going through bad times too, so I don't want to lean on them for my own feelings.

I love him immensely and this is so difficult. I told him that he's my person, I trust him and would spend the rest of my life with him. He said he doesn't have a person and if he did, it wouldn't be me. Then he told me we had to end this.

He's right, logically. I feel stupid that I ever took the chance, stupid that I genuinely believed I could change and be normal. The world doesn't owe me the love I chase, and I have to accept that I need to love myself and stop falling in love with others. It feels like leading them on ("Maybe she can change,") and the self hatred I feel is crushing me. I want him to be happy but I also know it will kill me to see him happy with someone else.

I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in days, from the moment I knew something was wrong with him but knowing he wouldn't tell me and I wasn't helping. I got sent home from work today (yesterday? It's 3am here). I am mourning the person I loved, the person I was before the rape that caused the PTSD, the chance I had to change, the hope I had, and the life I thought we could achieve. I'm trying to see the silver lining that he can now find a better person and have a life with her. I just can't be a part of it.

I just want to sleep.

tl;Dr: Breakup due to PTSD triggers and sexual incompatibility. It's my own fault, I still love him, and I am giving up.