Got kicked out of Petco for vaping in the Reptile section.

So I went to Petco today because my bearded dragon needed more crickets and, you know, sunlight from a $40 bulb. I’m browsing the reptile aisle when I hit my vape once. ONCE. Not a fog machine. Just a little cloud to take the edge off being surrounded by screaming toddlers pointing at goldfish.

Immediately, this girl with a vest that says “REPTILE SPECIALIST” runs over like she’s defusing a bomb and shouts:

“Sir, you can’t vape near the reptiles! Nicotine can hurt them!”

Hurt them?

These things survive in deserts, swamps, and Australia. You think a faint strawberry-mango cloud is going to take out a ball python that can digest a live rat like a warm burrito?

I said, “Nicotine doesn’t even affect reptiles. Look it up.”

She said, “Sir, that’s not how science works.”

I said, “Ma’am, I literally watch YouTube videos on this.”

She didn’t appreciate that.

Next thing I know, her and another employee escort me to the front door like I tried to introduce a Komodo dragon to nicotine patches. They banned me for 30 days. Thirty. Days. Can’t even buy crickets.

So now my bearded dragon is staring at me like, “Where are the snacks, idiot?”

And I couldn't get any because Petco is ignorant.