I feel lost

I hate that I’m even posting here. I feel like compared to everyone else, my problems are nothing and I shouldn’t feel bad at all, but I have nobody to turn to or talk to so I’m posting it

I feel like I’ve made no progress at all. I turn 20 in a few days, and I think I want to kill myself after my birthday and the holidays have passed.

I’ve had an attempt in the past, and a history of self-harm, but I got it all sorted out at a psych ward. They diagnosed me with depression and gave me antidepressants and therapy, and it really helped. I felt like I was able to really live for the first time. In therapy I learned or accepted or whatever you wanna call it that I was transgender, and I was even able to start HRT with my own money for a while. I really felt great, and was able to stop thinking about suicide or being depressed all the time

Then my parents took it all away. I’ve had issues with them in the past, I even had to fight my mom once when she was drunk, but I didn’t think they’d do this idk. They searched my room when I was gone and stole my antidepressants and my HRT and destroyed them. They berated me for hours and ever since I’ve just been broken

It’s been months now and each day only gets worse. By now, the effects of the HRT are basically reversed, and my depression is worse than it’s ever been in my life. I know that I need to go to school, or I need to get a job, or I need to pack my shit and run, but I can’t motivate myself to do anything

I have friends who love me, my family cares about me even if they treat me like shit, I have food most of the time, and I’ve never been through any insanely traumatizing events other than two fights with my mother, so I really shouldn’t feel this way. Idk, I’m just weak I guess. I want to die, but I know I’ll never have the courage to actually do anything. I wish I could just disappear