I feel stuck beyond repair, and a recent event made me feel awful

I’m 24m. I’m neurodivergent and have been unmedicated for a long time. I smoke weed, daily. I’ve always lived it and it’s always been something like a warm hug. I’ve been smoking heavily since i’ve been 19/20. I thought i was better lately with my use. But it feels like maybe it still blocks me at times. I have one day off from work. I have to use that day to do chores , or try and do them they day prior as I finish early. There was this even i wanted to go to. But when i woke up the water in my apartment was off and i couldn’t start my chores. I also had to wait 11:00 for a therapist appointment i had set up. All of this led me to start my chores late. And i did them as i smoked. I was ok of not going to the even, but then some acquaintances said they were gonna be there and i thought to myself “ that would be enjoyable “ and tried to see if i could go. But in order to dry my clothes and set myself up for the day after i couldn’t. In the evening I was fine with it. I had had a pretty shitty day, barely eating ( cause i couldn’t organize) and having just had a bit of difficulty getting my basic chores done. But as i’m awake this morning fully sober i just feel this disgusting sense of doom. Like i’ve killed someone. Even though i just missed out on a cool event. I guess i’ve missed a little of things in my life, and jt hurts when something unique slips by. I hate that i’m constantly coping. That sobriety is nothing more than life without a cushion. Constantly remembering the feeling of your use whilst trying to find the fulfillment that started the use in the first place. My body and mind have kinda given up on the belief i’ll feel and be happy ever. I just have too much baggage. I feel never understood, always outside of others. And i guess waking up with nothing more than my chores done feels like i failed. I wonder if i wasn’t smoking weed, if i somehow would’ve managed better. Or if it didn’t matter either way. Sorry for the rant and stream of consciousness. I guess i just needed to blurt it out. Thanks.