Starting treatment.

I, a 20yr old female, made an appointment with a psychiatrist for tomorrow to hopefully discuss being medicated and to be evaluated for BPD. Although I have not been formally diagnosed with BPD, I have been diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, Depression, and Anxiety. I also have/have had a history of eating disorders. I know it’s not good to self diagnose, which is why I want to preface that before seeking advice from the group, but I did want to get some input from people who are diagnosed.

My first diagnose of OCD and ADHD was when I was 8 years old. At the time I was receiving treatment through therapy and medication. I had a lot of traumatic things happen throughout my childhood and all the way through my adolescence. Even as a young kid I was very angry with the world and had lash outs so bad that my parents were afraid of me. When I did have friends I found never handle more than one or two at a time because my jealousy would get the better of me and I’d hang onto whoever I was fixated at the time for dear life.

When I became a teenager I began having panic attacks more often and my OCD symptoms worsened. My mood would switch back and forth from one extreme to the other and I was a beyond just a typical teenager going through puberty/trying to navigate young adulthood.i was scary, unpredictable, and obsessed. My self esteem continued to plummet and I’d spend the day overthinking every interaction I had and being scared of abandonment from and relationships I held. Constantly needing reassurance. Being mean to everyone I loved, watching myself be cruel and unruly but not being able to stop, then the guilt would hit and I’d need reassurance that I wasn’t the worst person to exist. Self sabotaging myself and failing school. Being too scared to be around people that I resorted to leaving in person HS and doing online school from my sophomore year until graduation. Having toxic romantic relationships that I hated being in but craved the attention and being able to have someone to obsess over. Developed a severe eating disorder and had to be put in hospital treatment. Trips to the psychiatric hospital every few months and being admitted. Self harm, threats of suicide, etc. Ruining my relationship with my family because of how mean and stubborn I was. Completely stopped all treatment and quit taking medication cold turkey.

Fast forward to now, I moved out on my own when I turned 18 (not because my home life wasn’t good, my parents are amazing and love and care for me), but because I was scared of what I had become. I had a raging eating disorder at that point and would lash out at anybody who crossed my path, it was like watching myself in third person. So I completely isolated myself so that I wouldn’t be able to hurt anybody anymore. I got a full time job and loved it, but just like anything else that’s positive for me I started to fall again. Having too bad of anxiety to work so I left and found a new job for no reason, kept that one for a year or so, repeat. Even now with the job I have I get such debilitating anxiety before I have to go in that I have began to call in more and more because I have panic attacks before going. I moved out my apartment I lived in alone and moved in with my now current bf. He has completely changed my view of life. He’s unconditionally supportive and shows me so much love. It’s the first time I can actually see myself staying with someone for the rest of my life. Usually I’m quick to push people away, but something about him has really grounded me and I’ve never lashed out at him and I am able to redirect myself, which is why I’m scared. When will it be that I start to get mean? I feel like a ticking time bomb. He has never and will never do anything that deserves being treated poorly. He’s a genuine soul and is loved by everyone who meets him. Which is why I find myself getting jealous wishing I could be as outgoing and seemingly carefree as he is. I have began slipping up and convincing myself I’m not good enough. He has many hobbies, I have things I enjoy, but I don’t do them because I’m too caught up in my head. I have zero friends and he has many. I don’t allow myself to have friends, it’s hard to be committed to more than one person. I just want his attention and nothing more. Which I know isn’t healthy but I can’t help myself. My prior antics have began slipping through the cracks, mood swings in front of him, getting snappy for no reason, crying, anxiety attacks, needing constant reassurance. I can’t mess this up and I’m tired of feeling this way, which is why I decided to get help again and see my options. I’m just really and truly scared. Scared of myself. Being in this subreddit has given me a lot of insight and being able to write this out helps.