Everything just seems to be getting worse with each day that passes.

Hi to anyone who decided to take a moment to read up on what I have to say. But as a forewarning this all might sound confusing from a stranger’s perspective but I’m hoping someone (in spite of the flair) might have some good advice for me as I’m honestly considering trying to kill myself again or harm myself even more than I have, my last attempt was literally only a little over month ago and the last time I sh’d was yesterday morning at 2:51am for a bit of context.

Now onto what I actually have to say about my situation. I currently am on the later side of 16 and due to trauma leaving a life long impact on my mental state, I’ve been sh’ing for literally over half of my life, since I was about 7 I believe, maybe 6. Regardless of the specifics I’ve been basically addicted to sh since then going onwards into now. I’ve done practically every generic coping technique that general people, therapists and psychiatrists make and some less conventional methods like for example having a very spiky ball and squeezing down on it really hard for pain stimulation, but none of that really helped me. For context I don’t purely sh because of old trauma (which was domestic abuse from my father in short) current matters play a very large role in it as well. I live in a state in the U.S where you can legally get a driver’s permit at 15 for those with the appropriate aptitude for it as long as said person has an adult passenger with a valid license in the front seat, now I did get that permit as soon as I was able to but I’ve been forced to drive various family members around for seemingly mundane reasons most of the time and in great distances a lot of the time from a younger age, specifically since I was on the young side of 13 and the later side of 12. My family has been able to get away with that due to the fact that I mentally and physically have matured at nearly double the pace of a normal child (or so I’ve been told from doctors), for a bit of context in that regard at the age of 16 I look like a man in their early twenties as I’m 6’3 with a completely full beard and I’m fairly bulky (in both muscle and fat). I do realize that sounds like I’m just making things up but please bear with me, I literally I have to show people my ID to prove my young age. My family tend to overwork me to such a degree that I’ve had syncope (sorry if I misspelled that) episodes that have landed me in the ER more times than I have digits on my hands and it feels like fucking torture, I’m choosing not to go into too much detail for my own triggering reasons but I will say I’ve literally spent multiple days and nights working almost nonstop, disregarding even sleeping or eating a lot of the time. It really doesn’t help that all the while I physically can’t get myself to stop sh’ing, the longest I’ve gone is 3 mouth and 2 days in the entire duration I’ve been doing it for, which I haven’t even come close to in the past 2 or 3 years, my top being for the more recent time span being 1 month and 13 days (yes I do keep exact track of all of it, I have a series journals that I’ve written in most of my life). As I mentioned in the beginning of this fucking word vomit, my most recent attempt on my life as a little over a month ago, to be exact it was on November 2nd at 9:14 pm. The reason I mention this again is because I went to, as other mentally ill people call it, “grippy sock jail” or a mental hospital if you don’t understand the slag term. My experience there was absolutely fucking traumatizing and I only really got help changing my medications and detoxing off my old ones, granted it ultimately did actually help me but in my blender of ptsd related night terrors, that has been added in to it (as a side note, the level of past traumas that I have have given me such bad night terrors that I literally scream in my sleep). If not to make all of this worse, one of the very few people who chose to actually care about me, my girlfriend, has a equally if not even more fucked up situation and home life and it’s put more than quite a bit of mental strain on me, especially in this past month. She is 17, specifically 3 months older than I (I was born in Jan in 09, she Sep in 08), her family more specifically her parents, are fucking horrible people like the stereotypically horrible Christian white supremacist southern trash, they tried for the first and last time to put her in a actual school rather than homeschooling as she has 3 other siblings that are more than enough to “school”. Which around that point is when I met her, I would like to say about almost 2 years now and we’ve been together practically since we’ve known each other, baring 2 or 3 weeks. The more recent situation she finds herself in is one of constant abuse which includes caning, slapping, punching, throwing to the ground, verbal abuse, being forced to sleep outside, being forced to take prescription medicine she shouldn’t be taking and much more. To make it worse she recently reached out for help from the school and they ultimately decided to put in a mental hospital after evaluating her via a psychiatrist, what she didn’t know was that would absolutely tic off her family to a point that when she was released, she was completely locked inside her own home and has been completely isolated from the outside world. In the past month I’ve only managed to speak to her twice, once yesterday and another time the day before, which I won’t go into detail about but it was basically a cry for help, she did mention to me a cps case was finally actually opened so I’m hoping for the best for her, I fucking hate that there’s nothing I can do for her to such I point that’s it’s driven me to sh almost every single day starting on November 19th. I’m starting to loose hope for myself and her and I kind of just want to end things off at this point, but the only thing that’s keeping me is that I know for my girlfriend I’m literally the only person she has and she’s outright said if I died she would shortly follow. I just don’t know what to do anymore and I fucking hate myself for being the way I am, I have massive gashes covering my arm at this point and I really just don’t care anymore.