11/12/2025

I did not journal at all today. Sorry.

I don’t even have much to say. I’m just going to recap:

• Worked a lot and got very little done, how am I so good at that?

• Cancelled my GP appointment for tomorrow

• Spent about 4.5 hours drawing and painting after work, it wasn’t even broken up into anything. I unintentionally skipped dinner too. Time truly flies, it’s wild. I did bits and bobs and then spent a VERY long time on his Christmas card. You wouldn’t think that from looking at it though. I need to finish it tomorrow and then I guess post it over the weekend. I asked the postal people and they said it can be delivered in 3-6 working days so that’s enough time. I meant to do it all earlier but I’ve just not really done it. I definitely avoided it on top of extra work hours though - I love to do it but I dread seeing my actual outcome and knowing that he’ll see it and conjure an opinion on it and therefore me. It makes me feel… childish. And therefore embarrassed. If I was talented I wouldn’t feel that way, but I’m not - so it comes across as a kid making their parent a card or something during creative craft hour at primary school. Believe it or not that is NOT the vibe I want to be portraying to him. It feels weird not getting him presents/planning a present box, but I think it’s for the best. I was wondering if he was hinting at me getting him that tarot ring which okay yes I did spend quite some time looking for some nice ones because of that but I’ve decided against it - he himself said me getting him presents felt weird and I get it so I’m not going to. I’m also going to do my best to not be gushy in the card, whenever I have he has never said anything like “aw that was cute” or anything and so that’s embarrassing for me and also I don’t want to make him feel weird with that either. I don’t even know if I should say I love you in it. I know I shouldn’t. Okay I won’t. Nothing weird. I was wanting to make him a Christmas decoration or two, like a tree decoration - I was going to make it with my clay and paint them. I was thinking of two stars or two turtle doves or something but then I thought that means it becomes a courier not general letter post and that means it might end up at the post office so I decided against that too. It makes me feel bad that I’m doing the least in a year he’s feeling the worst, but I think it’s for the best. He literally said to not do it so I’m also following his request. So I shouldn’t feel bad.. and yet I do.

Okay well night night