stuck and guilty

my mom today has been extra insistent and mean about my lifestyle, taking every little detail and scolding me about it. i'm used, she does this a lot and i know she worries and wants to movitave me, but it only makes me feel more depressed, suicidal and empty. i've been stuck for years now, parasitical life style with small improvements but always setbacks and relapses. i'm truly embarrassed but i genuinely can't. i try to push myself, i know sometimes you need harsh words and realism and not only comfort and pity, but somehow i can't manage to get out of this, and i am my biggest enemy. i understand her rage, especially her worry, no one is angrier at myself than me, disappointed, disgusted, you name it. i am in therapy, on meds, have a good support group of friends, family and even an amazing partner, genuinely no real problems but i keep falling. i don't know what to do, i don't know how to transform this guilt, i don't want to ask for help anymore even. i feel like a terrible human being because i am not the only obe that's hurting from this