It feels like I am being chipped away at

I’ve been a lurker here for quite a while and first and foremost would like to say thanks to all that have posted, replied etc, it’s been a big help.

I’m 48 and my wife is 50, we’ll have been married 25 years next year. She is in menopause and I kind of feel like things have snuck up on us so to speak. Peri had its moments but we worked through it whenever things happened, communicated really well, gave each other space or a hug, whatever it was.

The last few months though have become trying, for both of us. I’m very non-confrontational and I think I would be fair in saying my wife is quite the opposite, it’s always worked, like a ying and yang I suppose. Things did blow up though on a recent ish holiday, I’d been snapped at, not spoken to on an outing and I snapped. I dug my heels in, said I didn’t deserve this treatment to which I was told we’d be better off apart. I didn’t actually bite, just said fine and waited for things to blow over which after a day or so they did.

But since then something has altered. My normal stance has always been to bite my lip, ignore or let go but now I seem to be taking even little things more seriously. I feel like most days I’m just here to be a punching bag, whatever winds her up is either my fault or if it isn’t it’s going to get vented at me anyway. We promised to communicate but that’s been a one sided affair and now I just don’t bother as it’s like waving a big red flag at a bull regardless how I choose my words.

Honestly, like the title said it feels like I’m being chipped away at day by day, and if I mention anything it’s either in my head or I’m just in a mood or overreacting. The worst part, sometimes I wonder if this is really the best for both of us, but then we’ll have a good day, a nice moment and to be honest it can be a nice reminder. Another concern is libido, not hers, that has seemingly been unaffected but mine, it’s difficult to be intimate with someone who has been so hot and cold that day, and then that becomes my fault too!

I do worry about how I can be thinking about a different life at times, selfish perhaps, scared too if I’m being honest because I sense the wedge being there but I just don’t see a way of stopping it increasing. Should also add HRT is off the table, any sort of suggestion about therapy would be a huge no no too.

Anyway, thanks for reading if you got this far, actually feel a bit of relief just for getting my thoughts down!