I am wasted, spoiled and no use son of my parents. No control over anything i do. Leaving myself in ignorance all the time, and even after knowing things not even able to change them. YEAH IT"S ME

Hey, guys i hope you are doing well, i think i am the most spoiled, wasted son of my father. Cause i belong to a middle class family, and as in most of the families, in my family my father is the only one earning. He was very strict to me from the very first cause he is a army person and as in army discipliene is very strict. But i know his intention would have been never about discouraging me or for something like i would become someone unsucessful or spoiled he always scold me, poke me for my betterment. But guys, i am no use of myself and of him, for me now i have realized that i was following my so called friends up to this point who used to make fun of me and suprisingly i was in such a delusion that all of the things i was doing was my choice. It isn't like it's bad for following someone but me for i don't know why my brain doesn't think straight or be simple like think for what you want, what to choose and as for me i never took a single decision in my life. All of my friends, classmates and people out there have their own stress i know but i am stressing over that i couldn't take any decision and spoiling my father's money. He is supporting me in every way possible like when i was small so as i told you we belong to a middle class family so he was very obsessive about spending money, i don't used to spend money on his own. Although he would spend, for example, we bought a car 2 years before but after 1 month he started saying why i bought and basically he is very strict about spending money which is normal . But for me i am in a another city, far from home and alone and studying in a very expensive college, when i told him about this university to which my friends were going and me without thinking decided in a instant in 1 min that i will go to the university, didn't thought about the money, the place to live, the struggles i would have to go through but he was suggesting me to go to a simple college near to our home, cause he was thinking practically for me, but he let me thinking it is me who have big dreams and wanting to go to there, which was actually opposite, so before this anxiety i got in june, before that whenever i would go to home he would taunt me by saying, i told you to go to this unversity but you didn't every time and i used to hate it thinking always this and that cause of the money but now whenever i think of it the thought comes and go i get in grief again. And their are many things which have happened through out this phase still i am not able to hold myself, not think staright cause now the questions thoughts are on a run and just like this i am typing all negative, things about me and i am talking to multiple people telling them my stories, my live and how i am not able to stand for me they are giving advices and all but i am not changing the thing is
I KNOW EVERYTHING WHAT I AM DOING BUT I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF DO IT. LIKE I KNOW MY MIND IS THROWING THOUGHTS AT ME AND WHICH AREN'T INTENTIONALL AND I KNOW I HAVE DONE THIS AND THAT AND THE REALIZATION BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY I AM THE SAME PERSON WHO IS SHARING WITHOUT THINKIGN WITHOUT ANY MOTIVE AND JUST ON THE MISSION TO SPOIL HIMSELF.

This is serious bro cause everyone out there isn't thinking or going through the phase where their mind is over them. Like i have studied and undestood my mind that it throws some thoughts which aren't even supposed to be mine just to make me feel guilt and all but i feel bad for my parents who are same to all others parents out their but their sone is not the same as other kids out there.